The First National Bank of Liberaltopia

I remember what it was like to apply for a car loan, a mortgage, a credit card. Someone was doing a background check on you and there were a lot of hoops that you had to jump through.

But hey, if I were a financial institution, and I was in serious financial trouble and needed a cash infusion of several billion bucks, all I need to do is fill out a two page application, sign it (or designate someone to sign it for you) and send it in. Then it is just a matter of deciding whether to have the money delivered to you or go pick it up in person.

The TARP Application can be downloaded in PDF format and asks such tough and hard-hitting questions as:


Institution Name:

Address of Institution:

Primary Contact Name:

Primary Contact Phone Number:

Primary Contact Fax Number:

Primary Contact Email Address:

Secondary Contact Name:

Secondary Contact Phone Number:

Secondary Contact Fax Number:

Secondary Contact Email Address:


RSSD, Holding Company Docket
Number and / or FDIC Certificate
Number, As Relevant:

Amount of Preferred Shares

Amount Of Institutions Authorized
But Unissued Preferred Stock
Available For Purchase:

Amount Of Institutions Authorized
But Unissued Common Stock:

Amount Of Total Risk-Weighted
Assets As Reported On The
Holding Companys Or Applicable
Institutions Most Recent FR-Y9,
Call Report, Or TFR, As Relevant:

Institution Has Reviewed The
Investment Agreements And
Related Documentation On
Treasurys Website (Yes/No):

Describe Any Condition, Including
A Representation Or Warranty,
Contained In The Investment
Agreements And Related
Documentation, The Institution
Believes it Cannot ComplyWith By
November 14, 2008 And Provide A
Timeline For Reaching

Type of Company2:

Signature of Chief Executive
Officer (or Authorized Designee):

Date of Signature:

1 May be provided as an attachment, no longer than 1 page
2 Publicly Traded Stock Company; Stock Company Without Publicly Traded Shares; Other (please specify)

So, I have decided to open up a bank. My bank is already in financial trouble — it is virtually broke, and while I would LOVE to free up some money to lend to people, I just don’t have the money to lend. I figure about $5 billion should be a good start to make that happen. Besides, it is Christmas time, and I think I deserve a raise and a fat bonus too. I’ve work real hard on this and I think I deserve it.

Besides, it is none of your business if I am paying out bonuses. I mean, we are only requesting free taxpayer money — it is not as if you own us or anything.

Jackboot over at the Rott posted an even shorter form. (of course he blames it on the Dems, because you could NEVER blame the “free and unfettered and unregulated market forces”, ya know…