Ye Olde Scribe Presents: All the News that’s NOT the News
Pakistan, June 6, 2011- Pakistan officials officially protested the killing of Osama bin Laden today at the UN. The envoy for the Pakistan government, Moe Hamhan Dedman, who is also corporate envoy for Project for the New American Century, Halliburton and the Koch brothers, told the UN, “We have lost a valuable asset and a loyal Bush family employee. Not just a great community organizer, but organizer for events world wide. We expect restitution for this devastating loss.”
Mr. Dedman, a rather heavy man: almost 400lbs, cried out for world wide protests from end times-like-minded Islamic and Christian Fundamentalists, suggesting the Taliban be a buffer between the two, claiming, “Heads will roll!” Some compared that “cry” to the sound of a “hideously fat baby.” Mr. Dedman also declared a “FATWAH.”
Meanwhile officials from the town of Abbottabad were demanding they be given all the money from American welfare programs. They brought up the demands of another former, now deceased, once beloved, citizen of Abbottabad.
A former scout leader for local al Qaeda Scout chapter T666, Achmed the not quite yet Dead Terrorist, once predicted what would happen if Binny Boy ever was caught, “After spending all that money Junior gave the Taliban pre-911 to first build this modest compound and then keep the holy one fed, clothed and keep up with his demands for porno, us terrorist scouts will need new projects for our local scouts if the next administration does kill him. Junior never will kill this employee. What, shoot the golden goose? On a personal note, if and when he is killed, I want to know, will they be giving out patches? I am SO close to earning my body bomb badge.”
Meanwhile, back in the not so United States, Scott Walker immediately called for the Union of Corrupt Abbottabad Officials to fly in four planes to Washington, D.C. and “land” in, um on, The Washington Post, wherever Hillary stays when in town and the Democratic side of the Senate. The fourth plane will crash in Pennsylvania in yet another failed effort to destroy the state that was named after pencils.
Asked about his support for the union for corrupt officials: UCAO, Walker claimed, “I’ve always been pro-union.” He also claimed to be both Jesus and Attila the Hun reincarnated. Scientists bought off by the Koch brothers immediately confirmed “Great” Scott’s claim, or “Scott the Grate(ing),” as he prefers to be referred to. Spelling of “Great” as “Grate” provided by Sarah Palin, source: the only book… or magazine… she has ever read, Speling for Moreons.
The Obama administration had no comment to Mr. Dedman’s demands, the officials claims, or what Ahmad said: or any spokesperson representing the small town where Osama had his head redecorated. But after, suggesting Junior’s family be billed for the operation, a response from the administration was channeled by internet rapscallion, Ye Olde Scribe, “I’m sure, if they weren’t always so concerned with political correctness they’d say, ‘Tell the Bush Crime Family that we actually DID hunt him down, so: NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH.'”