Ye Olde Scribe Presents: Inventions We’re Unlikely to See
Political Brand Duct Tape
Tired of all the gunk pouring out of candidates mouths? Like actual duct tape, political duct tape doesn’t work on ducts… or actual ducks. (Feathers get in the way, though classic movies like Horse Feathers or Duck Soup can be heard through it. Hail Freedonia!) But political duct tape is engineered to hold in all the foolish bile pouring out of the candidates, pundits and pols mouths. Can only be spoken through if the words are respectful and make an ounce of sense.
Guaranteed to make it a more peaceful, quieter, world.
The Dyson Sack-less Penis
Tired of that old kicked in the sack feeling? Finding the slapping of bags against your personal parts annoying? Fed up with testosterone-filled male rhetoric, as if “proving you ‘have a pair'” is a GOOD thing?
Dyson, worldwide inventor of engineering marvels like the sack-less vacuum cleaner presents “The Sack-Less Penis.”™ Ready to install on YOUR politician today. You just have to tackle him first.
The Cell Phone, Texting Device, Flamer
Certainly you’re tired of getting %$#@! near hit by drivers texting the color of their underwear to girlfriends, or with vision blocked by a flip phone… so much so you wish you do WORSE than just flip them off. Ronco to the rescue. With this device, any cell phone active, or texting device in operation, within a mile of your vehicle will heat up. They’ll have to get off the damn thing ASAP or eventually risk burning their hand, or get in a REAL nasty accident with a guardrail, or the abominable snowman if he happens to wander out into the road.
You know he won’t be hurt… just get VERY pissed with his razor sharp claws.
RONCO!!! And you thought we just sliced and diced food!
Mandatory Random Lie Testing for Pundits and Pols
Automatic, random,on air activated Sodium Pentothal injection system. All broadcasts would be hooked to a viewer communication device. Anytime a pundit or pol speaks in public they are under the watch of these devices. Therefore they may wind up being questioned about the truth of what they are saying and their motives. Since this is also used for the death penalty, viewers get to vote once it’s revealed they’re lying whether to increase the dosage.