Tag Archives: Humor

Caught in the Internet: Emergency Room Cases

Just a little Sunday fun-day stuff, strictly for laughs:

E.R. Cases

“Every day, people come in and you just think, ‘You gotta be kidding me’,” says a Florida emergency room doctor. “I mean, what makes a guy think using a fish hook to clean out ear wax is a good idea?”

With that, some information about why people go to the E.R. in the United States, as purportedly collected by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

— In 2001, a 33-year-old man suffered severe burns after dropping a lit cigarette into toilet filled with oil and water on which he was sitting. Girlfriend was trying to surprise him for birthday by cleaning his motorcycle and dumped old oil and gas-soaked rags in toilet. He was surprised.

— In 2001, a 40-year-old woman complained of severe discomfort after using barbecue grill lighter fluid as feminine hygiene product. Claimed she was “freshening up” before backyard party.

— In 2002, a 59-year-old man shot wife’s foot with .22-caliber rifle after mistaking her ‘bunny head’ bedroom slippers for ‘varmint’ at 3:AM. Foot was only grazed.

— In 2002: “Patient is stable and recovering well after literally catching a bus. Patient grabbed back bumper and was dragged over two blocks before driver noticed him and stopped. Patient said he was late for work, but would try a different route next time instead.”

— In 2003, a 44-year-old father was treated for broken bones from a fall off a garage roof after he tried to parasail using old shower curtain. Was “showing two sons principles of aeronautics.”

— In 2004, a 24-year-old woman said she slipped in the shower — when she stepped on a basketball.

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The Tattlesnake Ask the Tattlesnake Edition

Dear Tattlesnake:

What is wrong with the GOP? Do you know?

Signed,
Worried in VT

Dear Worried:

The International Journal of Psychology claims that 20 to 25 percent of the population in any modern industrialized nation has some degree of serious brain damage or crippling psychosis. In America, we call those people ‘Republicans.’

Hey You Turkey Boy:

The Rethuglicans are thieves and liars and the Democants are wimpy and can’t get anything done and third parties are a total joke. So who do I vote for?

Signed,
Who Gives a Hairy Crap in WI

Dear Who Cares:

Anyone who opens an email to a stranger with ‘Hey You Turkey Boy’ and signs themselves as ‘Who Gives a Hairy Crap’ isn’t someone who should be voting. Put your mind at ease, what’s left of it, and stay home on Election Day.

Dear Mr. Tattlesnake:

With this new Supreme Court ruling that gives Constitutional rights to corporations, I incorporated myself. Now if I commit a crime, can’t I just dissolve the corporation before they put me in jail?

Signed,
Del Inc. in Delavan

Dear Del Inc.:

Good idea, why don’t you try that. I’ve always wondered who goes to jail when a corporation commits a crime you could be a test case.

Dear Tattlesnake:

What’s the best way to put teabags on my hat, glue or what? I want them there permanent-like, mind you.

Signed,
The Newtster

Dear Newtster:

A real teabagger doesn’t affix teabags to his hat; he staples them directly to his head. Don’t worry, if you’re a real teabagger, you won’t feel any pain.

Send your questions to editor@ltsaloon.org with ‘Ask the Tattlesnake’ in the subject line.

2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake Word on the Street Edition

In the spirit of the late Mike Royko’s Slats Grobnik, here are comments from the unFoxed Vox Populi:

— L.A. Mike, who was born and lived in Los Angeles for most of his life, on the Republicans paying $2K for simulated lesbian bondage at the Voyeur Club:

“What wrong with those dudes? It’s really stupid. For half that price in L.A. you could rent a motel room, hire a couple of hookers, see the same show up close and join in if you felt like it. You’d even have enough left for a bottle of some primo liquor. That’s really a stupid waste of money.”

— V.J., a small business owner for over 20 years, on Obama’s tax plan:

“I’m a middle-class small business owner and everybody was telling me, ‘watch out, Obama’s gonna raise your taxes!’ I just got my tax forms back from my accountant and I’m paying $800 less this year than last, and he specifically said it was thanks to two deductions Obama put through. If this is Obama’s big tax increase for the middle-class, keep it coming!”

— Anna, who worked in state government for 20 years, on Sarah Palin:

“I don’t get it how do you quit as governor and then pass yourself off as a winner? How do you tell other families to practice abstinence when your own kid gets pregnant when she’s underage? Why does anybody take her seriously?”

— Al, who worked at a mail order firm, on the ruthless corporate culture:

“Worked at the same job for 12 years. We heard the rumor that company was being sold, but my boss, the owner of the company, looked me straight in the eye and told me he’d never sell and I’d always have a job there. Six months later we’re all fired and the owner makes off with a fortune from selling the company. I asked one of the ladies in accounting what happened the S.O.B. was in the process of selling the company the very day he told me that B.S. that he’d never sell! The lady said he lied because he didn’t want people quitting to take other jobs before the new owner took over wanted to squeeze every dime out of the place, even if it left us flat. He lied to my face and I thought this man was my friend!”

— Vernon, who managed an office for 10 years, talks about Michael Steele’s RNC spending:

“I’ll tell you this: If I had been charging anything from Tiffany’s or the liquor store to ‘office supplies,’ and I had approved an expenditure of a couple grand to a strip club, there would have been about two minutes before I was fired and out on the street. I don’t know how he gets away with it.”

— Lily, a waitress at an upscale restaurant, on GOP tax cuts:

“Why doesn’t the media ever call these guys out? They get up there, these Republicans, always talking about tax cuts and they’re rich as fuck! Sure, they want tax cuts for themselves! Yeah, I got my little piddley-ass tax cut from Bush, and the price of everything went up, including my state taxes, so I went way further in the hole. They really treat us like we’re too dumb to know what they’re doing. Fuckers!”

— Rory, who once worked at a mental health facility, on the Teabaggers:

“These people must all have Alzheimer’s like Reagan. They don’t remember we had big deficits and big government under Republicans since Reagan? They don’t remember Reagan bailed out the savings and loans in the 1980s? I didn’t see them out there screaming and yelling then. They think the shitty economy started under Obama? Give me a break. They just hate him cause he’s black. These tea party people should go to their doctors and be tested for Alzheimer’s they’ve definitely lost it. I mean if they can afford a head doctor on their fixed incomes — oh, wait a sec, Medicare will pay for that, so they’re covered!”

Expert Predictions

Not included on this list is the college professor of Bill Gates’ who purportedly told him to stop wasting his time on computers; the expert who told Ben and Jerry few would want to buy their fancy ice cream; the experienced restaurateur who told McDonald’s franchiser Ray Kroc there would be little national business for a drive-in that only sold hamburgers, French fries and soft drinks; the various publishing houses that turned down Mario Puzo’s bestseller “The Godfather,” one ‘expert’ claiming that no one wanted to read gangster novels anymore; and ‘Bush’s Brain’ Karl Rove erroneously forecasting Republican gains in 2006 and 2008.

And, of course, we have the various business gurus and sage economists, from Suze Orman to Alan Greenspan, who never foresaw the collapse of the US housing market and our lengthy ‘Depression Lite.’ So much for expert predictions; you’re better off tossing a coin.

Expert Predictions

Seen at Jumbo Joke

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.”
— Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project

“There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.”
Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
Popular Mechanics magazine, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
— Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.”
Dr. Lee DeForest, “Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television”

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