Tag Archives: Jeb Bush
The Sharron Angle
Combine equal parts chunky peanut butter, gunpowder and sacramental wine in an unclear empty vessel. Using an old blender in a narrow, dimly-lit room, mix until the consistency of baby poop. Serve in cracked teacups. Refrain from sharing the recipe with the media.
The Michele Bachmann
Mix together grapeshot-flavored Kool-Aid, sexual abstinence, Biblical nonsense, Nutty Buddy candy bars and wormwood alcohol with a thousand teabags and let ferment in a fevered brain. Serve to anyone who’ll pay attention until you’re hired by the Family Research Council after you lose your Congressional seat.
The Glenn Beck
Combine chopped nuts, saccharine, VapoRub, Victory gin, Goldschlager, white lightning, horse pucky and turpentine in a large vat lined with hundred-dollar bills. Drink until you drown.
The John Boehner
Mix equal parts Tang and cheap vodka.
Serve warm in a crockpot, after heating under a sun lamp.
The Andrew Breitbart
Mix equal parts caustic lye, near beer, used tea bags, hair of Rove, pus from a dog bite, aged McCarthyite bile and edited videotape in an Internet website. Whine until someone drinks it, but don’t attend the funeral after they do. When it eventually kills you, refuse to admit you’re dead.
The Jan Brewer
Prepare a standard pitcher of Margaritas and then add a cup of raw sewage and a cup of flop-sweat political desperation. Stir until the stench drives you away. Serve hot to morons with J. D. Hayworth crackers, Joe Arpaio pink prisoners and Tom Tancredo dip and hope for the best next election.
The Jeb Bush
Combine Southern Comfort, Rebel Yell, light tequila, orange juice, your father’s tears, family money and bought-off media contacts in a no-paper-trail electronic voting machine. Strain lightly through an old Klan robe and stir well while pretending to be affable and moderate until you’ve seized the GOP nomination for president. Just smile confidently when your drunken friends in the media write you’re nothing like you’re dumber older brother, really.
The Sean Hannity
Stir together equal parts Brylcreem, moonshine, sleaze and Preparation H, and force through a fox’s alimentary canal. Drink through a fire hose until belly is distended, then retire proudly on all of that money you stole that was supposed to go to the families of the military.
The Sarah Palin
Mix equal parts cold duck, Russian vodka, old Navy grog, Christian Bros. brandy, Slim Fast, baby formula, iced tea, mashed lipstick, grizzly bear fat, a diced dictionary, steaming bullshit and chopped currency in a Facebook-approved container. Half bake and serve cold to the media and your adoring fans while striking a pose.
The Rand Paul
Tilt your head back at a steep right angle, pour gallons of Kentucky sour mash bourbon and searing hot tea on your face, swallowing what you can of it, while furiously masturbating to a photo of Ayn Rand holding hands with Bull O’Connor. Do this until you are defeated in November.
2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
“A couple of things are striking about the pro-[Scott] Brown spending. It’s always entertaining to watch someone self-described as an independent, political free operator getting so much support from national conservative groups. And it’s especially entertaining given that while many of these groups support ideological purges from their party, Brown is … a liberal, according political scientist Boris Shor. He is in fact more liberal than Dede Scozzafava, the unfortunate, erstwhile GOP nominee in the special House election in New York a few months back. Shor writes:
‘Browns score puts him at the 34th percentile of his party in Massachusetts over the 1995-2006 time period. In other words, two thirds of other Massachusetts Republican state legislators were more conservative than he was. This is evidence for my claim that hes a liberal even in his own party. Whats remarkable about this is the fact that Massachusetts Republicans are the most, or nearly the most, liberal Republicans in the entire country.'”
— Robert Schlesinger, “Scott Brown Benefits From Late National Republican Money,” US News, Jan. 17, 2010.
News item from CNN, “Republicans Kick Off Campaign to Shine Party Image,” Rebecca Sinderbrand, May 2, 2009:
“Three prominent GOP leaders [Jeb “Not Another” Bush, Eric “The Turd Polisher” Cantor and Mitt “Yawn on Steroids” Romney] kicked off a campaign Saturday to reshape their party’s image [“Message: we’re new and we care!”], gathering at a restaurant [the Pie-Tanza, a strip-mall pizza place] in northern Virginia for the first of a series of town hall meetings.
“The goal of the initiative, called the National Council for a New America [a Wonder-bread yuppie version of PNAC], is to connect Republican leaders with voters across the country to help get the party’s electoral fortunes back on track [by imitating Hillary Clinton’s listening tours and Barack Obama’s town hall meetings].”
“Is this just an event put together to look soft-focus and smiley for the national media? After all, they are holding it just right outside of DC and not in the heartland of America where they SAY these meetings will be focused.
“All signs are currently pointing to just another photo op in place of actual policy initiative and new ideas.”
— From “NCNA Meets, Will It Learn Anything?” WheresEricCantor.com.
Laugh-a-bull: McCain’s top pollster Bill McInturff appeared on MSNBC with Chuck “Not Related to Crazy Ashley” Todd on Halloween. To put it politely, McInturff was pissing up a rope trying to sell some bizarre notion that this election is somehow similar to 1984 and 1996 and is tightening up to the point that McPalin can pull off a win. Hell-o, Bill both those years featured a popular incumbent peacetime president and an economy that wasn’t crashing to the ground and taking a devastated middle class with it. He also blabbered on inanely about armies of older, rural white voters crawling to the polls to catapult Wrinkles and the Winker into the Oval Office. This is big-box absurd the majority of Americans, some 80 percent, live in or near a city there aren’t enough rural voters, even if every single one voted for Mac and Cheesy, to elect him as president. Todd can be commended for keeping a straight face during McInturff’s lunatic raving, no doubt designed to buck up the flagging morale of the depressed Republican base. (Hey, Bill, poll this: Obama’s a point behind McCain in his home state of Arizona four days before the election.)
Laugh-a-bull Two: What if the polls showed Bush the Junior suddenly popular with independent and undecided voters? McCain would be rushing to the nearest microphone, “My friends, I’d like to remind you that I voted with President Bush 92 percent of the time and Governor Palin and I embrace all of his wonderful policies! Why, I’m just like him!” with the High-Heeled Sneaker nodding in agreement, “Oh, you betcha! President Bush is the original maverick all right!”
Think About It: What if Obama had picked a vacuous lightweight like Sarah Palin? Imagine what the Sunday Morning Punditrocracy would be bloviating about then: “Unquestionably, Sen. Obama has shown very little regard for the American people and the office of the presidency with his vice presidential pick.” “Absolutely, George. It shows an unbelievable contempt for the public and reflects very badly on his judgment — it points up a total lack of maturity to do the job!” “And I understand he only interviewed her for an hour before choosing her!” “Simply incredible. I think with this rash and foolish decision, Sen. Obama has demonstrated he would be an extremely dangerous choice for president in these times of national crisis!” “You won’t find any disagreement with that on this panel, Cokie. We’ll be back after these messages.”
BTW: Who is paying for ‘average working guy with a publicist’ Joe the Plumber to bop around to McCain rallies and how did a $42,000-a-year plumber’s helper (he doesn’t have an Ohio plumber’s license) get so much time off from work to gobble to the media his self-confessed ignorant opinions and pursue his pre-failed country music singing career? (What will be his first release, “Take This Job and Shove It”?) Inquiring minds want to know.
Disappointed? Where was our October Surprise this year? (And I was planning a party, too.) No tapes from Bin Laden saying, “I am your father, Barack”; no false flag attacks on Castro Street in SF; no sudden end to the Iraq disaster, “See, The Surge worked we won!”; no nothing. Did some Bushophile slip up, or is the stage being set for Brother Jeb in 2012 after McPalin is buried in a landslide?
What Say You? Bill Clinton runs for Governor of New York while Obama nominates Hillary to the Supreme Court? Big Dog Bubba has a political jones that won’t be satisfied loafing around the house, going on the lecture circuit, or traveling around as ambassador-at-large he needs an elected office and he wouldn’t mind making history as the first president who also served as governor of two different states.