Tag Archives: Jesus

Christmas and Religion Quotes

“How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few his precepts!
O! ’tis easier to keep holidays than commandments.”
— Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack, 1757.

“So in everything, do unto others what you would have them do unto you, for this sums up the law and the Prophets.”
— Jesus, Matthew 7:12, KJV.

“And why ye call me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?”
— Jesus, Luke 6:46, KJV.

“Jesus wasn’t a Christian, and he never preached in a church. He was also a drinker, and liked to hang out with sinners. We think of him very highly in the Church of Stop Shopping. We put him right up there with Lenny Bruce.”
— Reverend Billy

“Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.”
— Lenny Bruce

“God wanted to take a vacation, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go. ‘Why not go to Jupiter?’ asked St. Peter. ‘No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,’ said God. ‘Well, how about Mercury?’ ‘No, it’s too hot there.’ ‘Okay,’ said St. Peter, ‘what about Earth?’ ‘No,’ said God, ‘They’re such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they’re still talking about it.'”
— Author Unknown

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The Guy in the Jesus Suit

Reprinted again this holiday season by semi-popular request.

THE GUY IN THE JESUS SUIT

by R. S. Janes

The guy in the Jesus suit
occupied space at the end of the bar
exuding waves of beneficence
and winey fumes
to all and sundry.

The suit fit comfortably,
38 Regular, relaxed-fit pleat pants,
with a seven-and-a-quarter halo
on the side.
He muttered of Old Testament doom
and it wasn’t even Sunday.

“I’m only here to fulfill prophecy,”
he remarked to the bartender,
who was taking his money from the bar.
On the jukebox Bing began to croon
‘White Christmas’ and Jesus started to say,

“I’m very disappointed in you all,”
he turned to me and glared,
“As usual, you people just got it all wrong:
I was actually born in June,
and died at the end of May.”

“I was a Jew preaching to Jews,
and so were all twelve original Apostles,
and then along comes Paul,
who was something of a loon,
and gives to the Gentiles a way…

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