Tag Archives: Joke

Do You Have A Thinking Problem?

Do You Have A Thinking Problem?

Author Unknown

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up and be more sociable. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and, finally, I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dazed and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?” I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Son, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find other employment.”

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

“Sweetheart,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you have,” she said, starting to cry, “and if you don’t stop, I’m getting a divorce!”

“But, dear, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, her face streaked with tears. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a false syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.

I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Noam Chomsky, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn’t open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for a little Manufacturing Consent, a poster caught my eye:

“Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster, and suddenly everything I’d been doing wrong became clear to me.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting, and have my own TA sponsor, Bill, an ex-rocket scientist, to call if I feel a lapse coming on. (Just last week I accidentally put on a Jeopardy marathon while surfing through the cable TV channels – it took Bill 20 minutes to talk me out of answering the questions.) The meetings are great, by the way: we watch a non-educational video — last time it was Porky’s Revenge — then we share our experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Recently, I started just leaving the TV tuned to Fox News, unless an action flick with Chuck Norris is on, or a comedy with Victoria Jackson, or a gladiator movie. And, in the car, I’m all about Limbaugh, Beck and Savage.

Life just seems… easier somehow, now that I’ve stopped thinking.

Soon, I will be able to vote Republican with a clear conscience.

Charlie Watts’ Favorite Political Joke (Maybe)

I can’t verify if this is the favorite political joke of the Rolling Stones’ drummer, but read it anyway.

Tony Blair, when he was the UK’s Prime Minister, went jogging whenever he had the chance.

Every time he did he would jog past a prostitute standing on the same corner near his office at 10 Downing Street.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was certain to follow.

“Fifty pounds!” she would always shout from the kerb.

“No! Five pounds!” Tony would fire back.

This ritual became a regular occurrence between them when he was in London.

He would jog by and she would yell, “Fifty pounds!”

He would yell back, “Fiver!”

One day, Tony’s wife Cherie decided that she would accompany her husband on his jog.

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St. Paddy’s Day Quote and a Joke

“Think about this: if you rearrange the letters of SAINT PATRICK’S DAY it spells out SATANIC KIDS PARTY!”
— Phils Phunny Phacts

Savin’ o’ the Green

An Irishman worked hard all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser.

Just before he passed he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all me money and put it into the casket cause Im takin it with me to the afterlife.” He got his wife to promise with all of her heart and upon a stack of bibles that when he died she would indeed put all of his savings into the ground with him.

Well, he finally gave up the ghost and when he was stretched out in the casket his darlin wife was there in black with her best friend beside her. When the ceremony was over and as the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife spoke up. “Wait just a moment!”

She walked over to the casket and laid a small metal box inside. The undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I know you werent fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband,” and the loyal wife replied, “I am an Irish Catholic and Ill not go back on my word. I promised my husband that I was going to put all of his money in the casket wit him, and so I did.

“What? You put all that money into the casket!?”

“Of course I did.” said the wife. “I transferred it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

Thanks to Phil Proctor, Planet Proctor.com

Capt. Sully Sullenberger’s Favorite Joke (Maybe)

A commercial airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth flight. Now sit back and — OH NO!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.”