Tag Archives: Jon Stewart

The Tattlesnake – Jon Stewart Interviews Hermann Goering Edition

STEWART: My guest tonight served as Adolf Hitler’s air force chief and one of his closest advisors — let’s welcome to the program former German Reichsmarshall Hermann Goering! (They shake hands and sit down while the audience applauds.) Let me just say, sir, thanks for being here, and you look pretty damn good for a man over one hundred years old who supposedly died in 1946! What is that – Oil of Olay or Botox or something?!

GOERING: Ha, ha! Goodness gracious, no! I never died, I just moved to Argentina! I also lied about my age to get in the military and have taken good care of myself in my old age! And it’s amazing what modern medicine can do! Ha, ha!

STEWART: Goodness gracious?!? What – is this a 4-H Club convention?!

GOERING: Ha, ha! Millions of good solid Americans from the heartland of the country talk like that, Jon!

STEWART: Oh, yeah, and out on the coasts all we do is yell ‘m**her-f**ker’ and ‘go for the gay’!

GOERING: (Grinning) You said it, I didn’t!

STEWART: In your book, you say the Nazis were misunderstood. You say they had doubts about everything they did. You were one of the Nazis close to Hitler – it sure didn’t seem you guys had any doubts when you started World War II!

GOERING: Wait, let me address this Nazi thing – in Germany back then, everybody was a Nazi – you had to be one to do business, it was just a fact of life. Besides, the Nazis were just the name of a political party, like the Republicans today. I mean, we had good Nazis and bad Nazis. It’s wrong to condemn all Nazis for the extreme fanaticism of a few. You know, we really weren’t all fascists!

STEWART: But you were one of the head Nazis, convicted of war crimes like condoning torture!

GOERING: Tut, tut. I had documents in my desk at the time that show how much doubt I had about the decisions we were making and listed all of the things that could go wrong. We were just trying to protect the nation and acted on bad intelligence! Everything we did, we did for our country! Our top military staff believed that intelligence, incidentally.

STEWART: So you invaded Poland based on lousy intelligence reports?

GOERING: There was all kinds of paper flying around back then, pro and con. But we couldn’t take a chance with the nation’s security that Poland or another potential enemy like France might attack us, so we invaded first. The respected Gen. Jodl made the case to the public at the time.

STEWART: But you established a special office to provide you with the intelligence you wanted!

GOERING: I had no special intelligence office – somebody else set that up. There were three million men in the German military back then – any one of them could have done it.

STEWART: What about the torture? Are you saying you didn’t order torture?

GOERING: Not torture like you saw at your Abu Ghraib prison. That kind of thing was done by bad apples – you know, low-level noncoms acting without orders. We ordered enhanced-interrogation techniques that our best legal minds said were acceptable in order to defend the country from terrorists. This was after the Reichstag fire remember, where Communists and other undesirables conspired to undermine the government and attack the public violently. We couldn’t afford to let any technique for getting information out of the bad guys go unused.

STEWART: What about the concentration camps? Are you going to deny the Nazi concentration camps that killed millions of innocent people?

GOERING: Look, we had socialists, Communists, unionists, liberals, gays and other malcontents all bent on destroying our way of life. This was during the worldwide economic depression and we were trying to get people back to work, and those groups were fighting us on balancing the budget and creating more jobs. We only put people in camps who refused to work and would rather laze around collecting welfare from the taxpayers, like freeloading teachers and bottom-feeder nurses! Those were just work camps for unionists and commies who wanted to suck off the taxpayer and collect a paycheck for doing nothing!

STEWART: Ha, ha! ‘Suck off the taxpayer,’ huh? Now I know why you liked those camps! (Laughter.)

GOERING: Ha, ha! I didn’t mean it quite like that!

STEWART: But, seriously, what about the Jews — why did you target them for annihilation?

GOERING: We never targeted the Jews, Jon. That’s all revisionist history written by the liberals. We were just trying to protect the Jews from angry Germans who were blaming them for all the nation’s problems by putting them in camps, but things got out of hand when some rogue elements took it upon themselves to start executing people. I mean, you go to war with the army you have, and we had some kooks in the Wehrmacht at the time. Certainly if I had been aware of what was going on in those camps I would have put a stop to it, and so would have Hitler, but we were busy defending our country against several powerful aggressors, fighting in a two-front war.

STEWART: What about Adolf Hitler? He’s now acknowledged by the world as one of the biggest monsters in history, yet you loyally served him. Are you telling me you don’t think he was a monster?

GOERING: Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! The man was a vegetarian who loved animals and didn’t drink, and he only had one testicle – does that sound like a monster to you? (Laughter.)

STEWART: Did you guys, like, call him ‘One Ball’ behind his back? (Laughter.)

GOERING: Ha, ha! No, he would have had us shot! Ha, ha – just kidding! (Laughter and applause.)

STEWART: Well, our time is up. Okay, folks, the book is ‘Soaring with Eagles’ by former Luftwaffe chief Hermann Goering. Thank you for coming in, sir! (They stand and shake hands.)

GOERING: Thank you, Jon, for helping me sell my book and rehabilitate my image by portraying me as a feisty old grandpa instead of a vicious war criminal responsible for the death, dismemberment and torture of millions!

(Applause. Cut to commercial for Burger King’s new Super Lethal DOA Beef ‘n’ Bacon Triple-Stack Axis of Evil Whopper with Cheese.)

Watch Jon Stewart’s Feb. 23, 2011, interview with Don Rumsfeld here.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Jon Stewart WTF?!? and Other Miscellaneous Head-Slappers Edition

— What is Jon Stewart playing at? I’m a big fan of The Daily Show star and think he’s done a great job in the past, so it pains me to write this, but WTF?!? Okay, so to make his point at the Rally to Restore Sanity he tossed Keith Olbermann and Ed Schultz under the same bus reserved for Glenn Beck and Fox News. Last Monday, Olbermann graciously took his point and even cancelled indefinitely one of my favorite Countdown segments, “Worst Persons in the World.” But the other day on TDS, here’s Stewart heaping honey on Chris Wallace of Fox News and agreeing to appear on Wallace’s “Fox News Sunday.” Yes, he took a few mild swipes at Fox’s obvious Republican partisanship, but he also equated MSNBC, the home of Olbermann and Schulz, to a AA ball club compared to the Big Leaguers at Fox. He didn’t mean that in a complimentary way, but Jon can’t seriously believe there is any parity between what Fox does and what MSNBC does. (For one thing, Fox doesn’t give a liberal Democrat a three-hour weekday morning program, as MSNBC has with conservative Republican Joe Scarborough.) Put simply: Fox lies, as Stewart well knows, and MSNBC’s progressive hosts, even though they may display passion for their side, don’t. You can’t possibly have a restoration of sanity without fact, and Jon Stewart knows that, as well. So, why is Stewart trying to make them both seem equal? A few possibilities:

1. Since the hosts at MSNBC won’t be invited on Fox – even Ed Schultz is banned now, I’ve heard – perhaps Stewart sees himself as the voice of reason who can parry the thrusts of the Noise Machine and inject some truth into Fox’s stream-of-conspicuous nonsense. To do that, he must maintain some semblance of being ‘reasonable,’ which means to the right-wingers attacking MSNBC and progressives. Note: If this is the case, Obama has tried this tactic for the last two years and just had his head handed to him. It doesn’t work.

2. Maybe Stewart just has some personal animosity toward Olbermann and Schultz and he’s taking it out this way. That would be mighty petty of him, but nobody’s perfect, particularly in an ego-driven arena like show business.

3. This is the ugly one: Comedy Central is owned by corporate media giant Viacom and it’s possible they finally noticed TDS and Stewart have had quite an impact on recent elections and the voting trends of those under 30. Was Stewart brought in by Bush-backer and Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone for a pointed “Network” reminder of who signs his paychecks and told to back off? I have noticed Jon has been much more civil to right-wingers this year, even bottom of the barrel types like Bill O’Reilly. I’d hate to think the reason he’s promoting this ‘equivalency’ is that he doesn’t want to end up back humping the comedy club circuit doing 300 “Hey, I’ll be at McLaughington’s in Akron on Friday!” road gigs a year. He’s now a middle-aged man with a home, wife, family and a pile of bills – powerful reasons to toe the corporate line.

4. And this is the really horrible one: Perhaps his head is being turned by the ‘charm’ of the right-wing corporatists; they can be very persuasive ‘good guys’ in person, unless you remember the whole fetid history of the Republican Party of the past 30 years. I recall when Dennis Miller had his HBO show years ago: first he brought on right-wingers to lightly mock them, as Stewart does; then he had them on to explain their positions while he nodded his head; then he became one of the Pod People himself. Miller should be a warning of what happens to those who turn their backs on sanity and the facts – they end up losing their core audience, and money, as they perform for a bunch of dimwit thumbsuckers who don’t get their jokes.

5. Even more horrible than the last one: Stewart is angling for a nice, long-term berth at Fox hosting a TDS-style political satire show. It’s no secret Roger Ailes has been looking to compete with TDS; what better way than to back up Murdoch’s money truck and hire away Stewart? (Think Karl Rove: attack their strong point.) I’d hate to think this is Stewart’s motivation, but it’s a possibility.

Whatever the reason is, I wish Stewart would, in the interest of fairness, have Olbermann and Schultz as guests on his show to present their side, as he does with the Fox Newsers. (And Olbermann and Schultz should reciprocate by having Stewart on their shows to explain himself.) Let’s clear the air.

I hope this is all a tiff among friends, rather than the creation of another Miller monstrosity or Ailes attack dog.

(H/T to Bartcop.com for the graphic.)

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The Tattlesnake – Unuttered Utterations and Which Witch is Which? Edition

Tattlesnake’s ‘Media Insider’ says cool cats and kittens should not be swayed by the ‘official’ story regarding Rick Sanchez’s bouncing from the Corporatist News Network otherwise known as CNN. The reason Jon Stewart’s hilarious portrayals of Sanchez as something of a babbling idiot were so devastating is because, well, he’s something of a babbling idiot. (As evidenced by his comments about Stewart’s alleged ‘bigotry’ and Jewish ownership of the media.) Word is, CNN has been looking for a reason to dump this ratings-tank boob without having to pay off his contract. Like most Big Media bobbing heads, Sanchez’s contract no doubt had a standard clause that said if he did anything egregiously immoral, racist or embarrassing in public that had the potential of bringing scorn upon CNN, such as shaving his public hair on live TV or wearing a hood and announcing his selection as a Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK, he could be summarily dismissed and his contract immediately cancelled with the balance due unpaid. CNN knew its man – with Rick’s fetid history of on-air loopiness, it was only a matter of time until Sanchez crossed the line, and this just happened to be that moment. Of course, Sanchez has now issued the stock Pro Forma Apology to the Universe, (you’ll find it between ‘Memo, Traditional Format’ and ‘Resume, Classic Form’ at your local Big Box stationery store), and eagerly looks forward to his “new future of opportunities” somewhere else. That ‘somewhere else’ will probably be the graveyard shift at Fox Business Channel where Roger Ailes has provided a comfortable if little-watched retirement village for dimbulb dogmatists who have bottomed out elsewhere in MediaLand. Here’s to not seeing you again, Rick!

Republican Tea Party senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell, when not busy denying she’s a witch, told Fox News she was refraining from national campaigning to focus on the concerns of Delawareans. (That would be the denizens of tiny Delaware, not a race of talking plants in “Star Trek-The Next Generation,” although any confusion is completely understandable.) Howsomever, as Rachel Maddow recently exposed, the Anointed Chipmunk has not been doing much campaigning in Joe Biden’s home turf, either; no public events scheduled, nor interviewing forays with the local media. Is this evidence that she’s given up, facing a 20-point deficit in the polls and broad exposure of her two decades of public nuttiness? Her campaigning seems to be confined solely to running a batty ad where she informs voters up front she’s not a member of a coven (she only ‘dabbled’ in witchcraft, folks), and that she’s just like them, when they haven’t taken their meds. Aside from the roasting over hot flames any Dem candidate would receive from the rabid right for confessing even a fraction of Christine’s abuses of sanity, God Girl’s latest revelation that she’s been receiving ‘classified’ information that China is planning some kind of invasion of the US isn’t really classified or new. Your Tattlesnake has a couple of pals who were paid to teach English in China, only this was not the standard grammar-and-syntax English most of us think of when the subject comes up. Instead, what they were really hired to teach was street-American patois and the intricacies of our popular culture. (One friend spent a whole class on Elvis Presley, for example.) The Chinese ‘invasion’ is no secret, either, only it won’t be military – as reported by several financial publications, the Chinese are using their abundant hoard of US dollars to buy up large tracts of American land; it seems reasonable, more reasonable than Christine, anyway, that the Communist tyrants in Beijing plan to use that real estate to set up factories to manufacture their cheap junk here, once the US labor laws have been sufficiently weakened by Christine’s GOP to allow the kinds of unsafe job conditions and meager salaries Chinese workers endure. (Or maybe they’ll just use prisoners, as they mostly do back home.) What the little Non-Witch misses is that a good Christopublican corporation, Walmart, is the chief importer into the US of Chinese-made goods; her Republican Party has been the main driving force behind suspending tariffs and other regulations to prevent foreign nations from having this kind of power within our country; and notorious picked-by-Jesus ‘president’ Junior Bush borrowed $2 billion a day to pay for his bumbled, illegal war in Iraq and lavish tax cuts for his wealthy family and their rich friends. If ODon weren’t already losing large in the polls, it might behoove her opponent to point this out – yet another thudding contradiction that is going to kill the GOP in future elections.

— Why is it that this morning, an atheist
did not see an image of Richard Dawkins in her burnt English Muffin, or Madalyn Murray O’Hair in her Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion potato chip? For that matter, Buddhists have not reported visions of Siddhartha in the swirls of their Cream of Wheat, nor have Jews spotted Moses in bowls of chopped chicken liver. For some reason, only Christians, and especially those of the odiferous American variety, seem to have this penchant for apprehending the Christopublican-sanctioned Jeffrey Hunter Jesus in everything from Melba toast to grilled cheese sandwiches. What does that say about the dominant religious delusion in the US? “Whoa — I see God in my snacks!”

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake Once Again, Jon Stewart Shows the BM How It’s Done Edition

Good on Jon Stewart for showing the ‘political infotainment’ arm of the Big Media, once again, how to do their jobs. Last night on The Daily Show, Stewart’s guest was Newt “Like The Reptile” Gingrich and they were discussing trying terrorist suspects under American criminal law. Newt claimed that the ‘Christmas Underwear Bomber,’ Umar Abdulmutallab, shouldn’t be tried in a U.S. court and had no rights since he wasn’t an American citizen. (Not true, incidentally — even foreign nationals have rights when charged with a crime in our country, but a topic for another time.)

At any rate, Stewart sensibly countered that the ‘Shoe Bomber’ Richard Reid was tried and convicted by the Bush Administration in an American courtroom and then Newtie, as usual, blatantly lied to make his point he said Reid was a U.S. citizen and Abdulmutallab was not. Stewart let it pass as I yelled in futility at the TV, “Bullshit, Reid was a British subject!”

Following the commercial break, however, after the interview had ended, Stewart came back on to say his staff had checked and Reid was not an American citizen but a British national. This was a simple, unbiased fact, and it made Gingrich look like the horse’s ass he is and laid bare his lame argument to the light of day. If every ‘real’ news show adopted this practice of fact-checking guests and informing the audience where they lied during the show, not only would it better serve the news consumer and the country, but it would have the side benefit of keeping politicians honest if pols knew that at the end of the show (ideally accompanied by a crawl across the bottom of the screen), their falsehoods would be exposed they might become more circumspect in their habitual dishonesty. BTW, I also think would be good for ratings.

Of course, this will never happen on Fox News, if only because 45-minutes of each hour would be taken up correcting the lies of the first fifteen minutes, and most of the other networks would shy away since it would cost them ‘access’ to prominent politicians, not to mention discomfit their corporate bosses, but just think no more Republicans spreading fraud on national TV and fewer quisling Democrats trying to justify their cowardice! No doubt this measure would pass by a massive majority if subjected to a national referendum.

Since that’s not going to happen, all you can do is write or call your favorite media outlet and refer them to Jon Stewart’s interview with Newt Gingrich on Tuesday, Feb. 9, 2010, but don’t expect miracles the BM will likely change the same day Newtie the Lizard bangs the drum for universal single-payer health care.

http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/newt-gingrich-lies-jon-stewart-claim

2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

Today’s Quote-to-Quote: Darth Cheney and ‘Fib’ Kristol Unmasked

“Just going to be fun, don’t you think? Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, you know? And I want to say that I was always on Darth Vader’s side.”
— Bill Kristol, commenting on the back-to-back speeches by President Obama and Dick Cheney May 21, 2009, as quoted by Karl Frisch at Media Matters.

“Now you tell us. You know, as one of the main intellectual forces behind the Iraq war, that’s kind of a weird thing to admit. You might have wanted to mention, ‘Oh, quick caveat to my plan on a new American century: I’m on the Darth Vader side.’ ”
— Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, responding to Kristol.

“The morning of 9/11the evening of 9/11before 9/119/119/11after 9/11since 9/119/119/119/119/11the point is not to look backwards.”
— Dick Cheney’s speech, as edited by The Daily Show.

“This was as sleazy a presentation by a vice president as we’ve had since Spiro Agnew. This was an absolute abomination.”
— Lawrence O’Donnell on MSNBC’s Hardball.

[H/T to Media Matters.]

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