Tag Archives: planet proctor

The Happiest Man in America?

Yeah, well, maybe, and part of his contentment may involve the fact that he’s maikng $120K a year from his own health care business, which is practically a license to print money, and living in Hawaii, which, according to some Republicans, is now called Kenya. Incidentally, I’ve never known an observant Jew who was happy, so this piece of Gallup pollstering is likely nothing more than another serving of Big Media junk science, or an April Fool’s Day joke.

Good News

Who is the “happiest man in America”? Well, according to an article in the NY Times, it’s Alvin Wong …

Daily, for more than three years, the Gallup Poll randomly rang up
1,000 adult Americans to track their emotional state, work situation, diet, health, stress levels and other quality of life findings to chart elements representing “the good life.” They then put their findings into a Gallup-Healthways’ Well-Being Index, and sorted them by geographic and other criteria.

Thus, the pollsters evolved a statistical composite for the happiest person in America, who turns out to be an observant Jew in Hawaii – a tall, 69-year-old Chinese-American married, with children, who manages his own health care business, making about $120,000 a year.

His name is Alvin Wong, and when contacted, he said,
“This is a practical joke, right?”
— From Planet Proctor 2011-5, April, 2011.

Obama’s Radical Liberal Socialist Agenda Revealed

Is this his horrible liberal socialist agenda laid bare?

The legitimate object of Government is to do for a community of people whatever they need to have done but cannot do at all, or cannot so well do, for themselves in their separate and individual capacities. But in all that people can individually do as well for themselves, Government ought NOT to interfere.”

In all those things which deal with people, be liberal, be human. In all those things which deal with peoples money, or their economy, or their form of government, be conservative.”

The purpose is to establish and maintain a peaceful world and build at home a dynamic prosperity in which every citizen fairly shares. We shall ever build anew, that our children and their children, without distinction because of race, creed or color, may know the blessings of our free land.”

We believe that basic to governmental integrity are unimpeachable ethical standards and irreproachable personal conduct by all people in government. We shall continue our insistence on honesty as an indispensable requirement of public service. We shall continue to root out corruption whenever and wherever it appears.”

We are proud of and shall continue our far-reaching and sound advances in matters of basic human needsexpansion of social securitybroadened coverage in unemployment insurance improved housingand better health protection for all our people. We are determined that our government remain warmly responsive to the urgent social and economic problems of our people.”

To find out what left-wing radical wrote this socialist manifesto, read below.

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St. Paddy’s Day Quote and a Joke

“Think about this: if you rearrange the letters of SAINT PATRICK’S DAY it spells out SATANIC KIDS PARTY!”
— Phils Phunny Phacts

Savin’ o’ the Green

An Irishman worked hard all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser.

Just before he passed he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all me money and put it into the casket cause Im takin it with me to the afterlife.” He got his wife to promise with all of her heart and upon a stack of bibles that when he died she would indeed put all of his savings into the ground with him.

Well, he finally gave up the ghost and when he was stretched out in the casket his darlin wife was there in black with her best friend beside her. When the ceremony was over and as the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife spoke up. “Wait just a moment!”

She walked over to the casket and laid a small metal box inside. The undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I know you werent fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband,” and the loyal wife replied, “I am an Irish Catholic and Ill not go back on my word. I promised my husband that I was going to put all of his money in the casket wit him, and so I did.

“What? You put all that money into the casket!?”

“Of course I did.” said the wife. “I transferred it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

Thanks to Phil Proctor, Planet Proctor.com

The Tattlesnake Them That’s Got and Stan Getz Edition

And This Day in Hell

“Them that’s got shall get,
Them that’s not shall lose”

— From “God Bless the Child (That’s Got His Own),” by Arthur Herzog Jr. and Billie Holiday, and recorded by her for Okeh Records in 1941.

“Free market capitalism — as a faith — really is an inverse of Marxism. It is a theology that believes their system will bring paradise on earth and moral perfection. When their system is in power in the real world, their true believers claim that any problem only happened because their ideology has not been applied with sufficient purity.”
— Larry Beinhart, “The Fall of a Free Market Prophet,” Common Dreams, Dec. 7, 2008.

“Sometimes the Invisible Hand is all thumbs.”
— Jared Bernstein, C-Span, April 16, 2008.

“The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists.”
— Ernest Hemingway [Bush reversed the formula, but it’s still true today.]

So far we’ve seen the Top Dogs underline ‘dogs’ of Wall Street and Detroit parade before Congress insisting they need our tax money to bail them out. The former ‘Masters of the Universe’ have made so many stupid short-term decisions they have shamed their MBA parchment into so much worthless sheepskin accorded to those who can pay the tuition, or have the family clout, to squeeze them through college. To add insult to injury, the bankers who have fleeced us for billions in the name of providing credit to keep businesses going have refused to use our money to provide credit to keep businesses going, instead financing bonuses for themselves, luxury retreats at pricey resorts, and apparently precipitating a sit-down strike by 300 union workers at a Republic Windows and Doors factory in Chicago last month. Not only were these people unceremoniously fired and given one day to clear out, the company reneged on its contract to provide wages and vacation pay owed them and the severance pay they were guaranteed. That’s right Republic refused to pay wages and vacation pay already earned and blamed it on the Bank of America, while they hastily moved their Chicago equipment to Iowa. BoA received $25 billion of our tax dollars to avoid just this kind of situation. Fortunately, thanks to nationwide publicity for this sit-down strike, and support from near-President Obama, the Republic workers finally received their back wages and other pay, but let’s see this for what it was: A naked attempt to bust the union, and it was mostly successful. Republic’s union workers are still out of a job and the company has set up a low-wage non-union plant in Iowa. (Incidentally, inquiring minds would like to know: who is paying the salaries of Republic’s top executives and how much do they make?)

Morality and ethics hardly exist in the corporate boardroom but, if this isn’t wrong, what is?

How to correct it? Let’s hope President Obama takes a page from Franklin D. Roosevelt, especially his Economic Bill of Rights speech delivered January 11, 1944, during the Second World War, which included:

The right to a useful and remunerative job in the industries or shops or farms or mines of the nation;

The right to earn enough to provide adequate food and clothing and recreation;

The right of every farmer to raise and sell his products at a return which will give him and his family a decent living;

The right of every businessman, large and small, to trade in an atmosphere of freedom from unfair competition and domination by monopolies at home or abroad;

The right of every family to a decent home;

The right to adequate medical care and the opportunity to achieve and enjoy good health;

The right to adequate protection from the economic fears of old age, sickness, accident, and unemployment;

The right to a good education.

As FDR concluded: “All of these rights spell security. And after this war is won we must be prepared to move forward, in the implementation of these rights, to new goals of human happiness and well-being.

“Americas own rightful place in the world depends in large part upon how fully these and similar rights have been carried into practice for our citizens.”

If we have those rights, the economy will take care of itself.

What Does Late Jazz Sax Player Stan Getz Have to Do with Our Economic Meltdown? Read on:

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The Tattlesnake Chickenhawk Squawk and Other Battle-Tattle Edition

WHY DID THE CHICKENHAWK CROSS THE ROAD?

You know those “Why did the chicken cross the road” jokes? Well, here are some with a slight twist. If you weren’t sick of them before, you will be now

George W. Bush: To stay ahead of that Dan Rather lawsuit.

Dick Cheney: To get to Dubai before anybody else indicts him.

Karl Rove: Don’t interpret that chicken crossing that road as anything other than the eventual fulfillment of my subtle master plan for a permanent Republican majority!

Ed Rollins: Nixon’s chickens crossed that road while Rove was still not screwing cheerleaders.

Alberto Gonzales: I just don’t know anything. I was never informed of anything having to do with chickens or roads and, if I was at any time, I don’t remember it. That’s all I can say until my best-selling book comes out next year.

Clarence Thomas: Ask Scal or Alito about that; I’m heading out to lunch at Long John Silver’s today, and I might have a ha, ha — Coke with my stuffed clams.

David Frum: To run screaming from Rich Lowry’s lurid masturbatory fantasies.

Norm Coleman: To avoid a legal state-mandated recount.

Ann Coulter: Quite obviously to stock up on vodka and gin for the next four years.

Michelle Malkin: To escape Obama’s secret plan to enslave America in a future of hope and change for the better!

Sarah Palin: To, ya know, get on over there and work on that other side of the pipeline with them bipartisan public servants like myself for the people’s business on that good health care and tax cuts and jobs ’cause that’s what they want us to do and see if God has any doors open for ya over there on that other side there for me to just plow right through there, ya know, even if I don’t drink, and even if it’s only cracked open a little teensy bit, and it’s not my fault the great war hero John McCain lost, unless it is, and then I’m sorry, ya know, but it’s not.

Saxby Chambliss: To see how low he can go.

Henry Paulson: Just give the chicken the $700 billion to take across the road with no questions asked.

Matt Drudge: Because no one takes him seriously on his own side of the road anymore.

Pat Buchanan: If Britain had just left Hitler alone after he crossed the road into Poland in 1939, there wouldn’t have been any World War II!

Newt Gingrich: To make sure the other side of the road wasn’t full of gay and secular fascists trying to take over the nation!

Lou Dobbs: That’s a Mexican chicken crossing that road to steal the eggs of an American chicken! My viewer poll says 97 percent are against Mexican chickens taking the eggs of patriotic American chickens! Why doesn’t Washington make policy exclusively based on the opinions of the people who watch my show?!

Rush Limbaugh: Dumb-ass liberal socialist Obama-loving chicken. If he were a smart conservative talk-show host chicken, he would have sent his maid across the road in his place.

Sean Hannity: I’ll only answer this question if the chicken was crossing from the left to the right side of the road.

Glenn Beck: He crossed the road and now nobody pays any attention to him on the other side; he’s lost in the shuffle.

Bill O’Reilly: Roger, is it time for a War on Chickens or a War on Roads?

Roger Ailes: Stop bothering me with dumb questions, O’Reilly. Just check your fax machine for your talking points, as usual.

Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby: To get a full pardon from Bush come January.

David Addington: Whatever the president wants to do with that chicken or that road is entirely within his constitutional powers in time of war, and I’ll ruin you if you dare disagree with me.

John Yoo: I had no idea when I wrote those memos that actual chickens might be tortured.

Samuel Joseph ‘Joe the Plumber’ Wurzelbacher: To buy a business for $250,000 that I still can’t afford on the chicken feed my 15 minutes of fame nets.

DITZWATCH

“My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.”
Gov. Sarah Palin, in her best former beauty pageant contestant form.

FINAL FUNNY

“Theres no such thing as same sex marriage.
After marriage, sex is NEVER the same”
— Phils Phunny Phacts, from Phil Proctor’s Planet Proctor, 2008-22, Nov. 19, 2008.

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