Tag Archives: Sean Hannity

The Tattlesnake Potent Political Potables Edition

The Sharron Angle
Combine equal parts chunky peanut butter, gunpowder and sacramental wine in an unclear empty vessel. Using an old blender in a narrow, dimly-lit room, mix until the consistency of baby poop. Serve in cracked teacups. Refrain from sharing the recipe with the media.

The Michele Bachmann
Mix together grapeshot-flavored Kool-Aid, sexual abstinence, Biblical nonsense, Nutty Buddy candy bars and wormwood alcohol with a thousand teabags and let ferment in a fevered brain. Serve to anyone who’ll pay attention until you’re hired by the Family Research Council after you lose your Congressional seat.

The Glenn Beck
Combine chopped nuts, saccharine, VapoRub, Victory gin, Goldschlager, white lightning, horse pucky and turpentine in a large vat lined with hundred-dollar bills. Drink until you drown.

The John Boehner
Mix equal parts Tang and cheap vodka.
Serve warm in a crockpot, after heating under a sun lamp.

The Andrew Breitbart
Mix equal parts caustic lye, near beer, used tea bags, hair of Rove, pus from a dog bite, aged McCarthyite bile and edited videotape in an Internet website. Whine until someone drinks it, but don’t attend the funeral after they do. When it eventually kills you, refuse to admit you’re dead.

The Jan Brewer
Prepare a standard pitcher of Margaritas and then add a cup of raw sewage and a cup of flop-sweat political desperation. Stir until the stench drives you away. Serve hot to morons with J. D. Hayworth crackers, Joe Arpaio pink prisoners and Tom Tancredo dip and hope for the best next election.

The Jeb Bush
Combine Southern Comfort, Rebel Yell, light tequila, orange juice, your father’s tears, family money and bought-off media contacts in a no-paper-trail electronic voting machine. Strain lightly through an old Klan robe and stir well while pretending to be affable and moderate until you’ve seized the GOP nomination for president. Just smile confidently when your drunken friends in the media write you’re nothing like you’re dumber older brother, really.

The Sean Hannity
Stir together equal parts Brylcreem, moonshine, sleaze and Preparation H, and force through a fox’s alimentary canal. Drink through a fire hose until belly is distended, then retire proudly on all of that money you stole that was supposed to go to the families of the military.

The Sarah Palin
Mix equal parts cold duck, Russian vodka, old Navy grog, Christian Bros. brandy, Slim Fast, baby formula, iced tea, mashed lipstick, grizzly bear fat, a diced dictionary, steaming bullshit and chopped currency in a Facebook-approved container. Half bake and serve cold to the media and your adoring fans while striking a pose.

The Rand Paul
Tilt your head back at a steep right angle, pour gallons of Kentucky sour mash bourbon and searing hot tea on your face, swallowing what you can of it, while furiously masturbating to a photo of Ayn Rand holding hands with Bull O’Connor. Do this until you are defeated in November.

2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

Steele Quits as RNC Head

Embattled RNC Chief to Step Down; Talk Show Host Named Replacement

Steele leaves to work on Palin presidential run

Moira Feynt
APS News Service
April 1, 2010

WASHINGTON According to a press release from the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, current chairman of the RNC, will step down Friday in order to “join the swelling ranks of Republicans” who would like former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012.

Steele named Fox News talk show host Sean Hannity as his interim replacement, saying in the release, “I feel Mr. Hannity has the dignity, decency and financial smarts to lead our party to victory in the upcoming elections.”

The current chairman has recently been enmeshed in controversy after revelations that he had spent party donations on limousines, private jets, lavish hotel rooms and at least one $2,000 trip to “Voyeur,” a Los Angeles lesbian bondage club.

However, Steele denies in the press release that he is leaving due to those problems; rather, he says, “I have talked to Gov. Palin and felt it was time to put my full attention toward the task of obtaining the Republican nomination for her. I could not be Mr. Hyde for her while I was Dr. Jekyll for the RNC.”

Brad Sneerdrip, a spokesman for Hannity, said, “Mr. Hannity will bring to this position the same professionalism and honesty he shows in his best-selling books and his award-winning television news work.”

Read more

The Tattlesnake What Would They Have to Say? Edition

What would the right-wing bloviators have to babble before their core audiences said, “that’s over the line”?

Would Rush Limbaugh have to say: “Why should some poor working stiff nobody cares about have the same vote as me? I’m an important, influential multi-millionaire who owns a $44 million estate in Florida with 5 swimming pools and a $14 million apartment in New York City and yet I only get a single vote. That’s wrong. I’m rich, so naturally I’m better than you, so I should get something like 100,000 votes to the single vote of some dumb middle-class slob, like the idiots who listen to my show! That’s only fair! For that matter, why should some dope who makes below a million per even get a vote?”

Would Glenn Beck have to say: “We have to get rid of these evil progressive programs like Social Security and Medicare. If grandma and grandpa are poor or sick and dying, well, they’ve had a good life let them die or kill themselves and get out of the way to make room for the future! Why should my tax money go to keep your grandparents alive? That’s communist socialism, folks, and we can’t have it here in the free-market capitalist Christian America I love! Hey, it’s a fact: Jesus hated the poor and loved the rich just like me! If you aren’t rich then your proper place is to be a slave and do what you’re told by those who are it says so in the Bible and the Constitution if you read them right!”

Would Bill O’Reilly have to say: “I don’t care, frankly, if I’m completely wrong about some historical event, if it helps me make my point. As long as I believe it and you believe it, who cares? I’m not some wimpy historian and I’m not in the business of telling you the truth. I mold opinions, even if they are usually based on pure crap I make up or something my employers tell me to say for political reasons. Facts are vastly overrated; it’s faith and ratings that count!”

Would Sean Hannity have to say: “Sure, I lied about where those donations to my college fund for the kids of dead veterans were going; it’s true, only about ten percent actually went to the families of military personnel killed overseas. So? I have a high-overhead life, folks, and I’m sure if those dead peasants uh vets were alive to say it, they’d tell you that they’d want your donations to go to keeping me and my family traveling in style. C’mon, I’m a TV star these guys were little nobody’s! What, am I supposed to fly Business Class or even ack! Coach for this friggin’ charity? What are you, nuts?!? I’m a Republican I’m in it for the money, people!”

Would Michael Savage have to say: “You know why I’m doing this, my friends? Because I failed at being a hippy-dippy herbal medicine and homeopathic healing book author. That’s right, I was as liberal as they come back then and called myself ‘Dr. Michael Weiner,’ but I couldn’t rub two dimes together. Ha, ha, I swam naked with homo beat poet Allen Ginsberg did you know that? Then I noticed all the loot Limbaugh was raking in from you ultra-conservative bozos and jumped on the gravy train. So I changed my name and thought up the most outrageous, disgusting political stuff I could and here I am rich and almost king of the hill! I dont believe a word I say but I get a damn good laugh that you do! Hey, and I voted for Obama! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”

Would Neal Boortz have to say: “My fellow patriots, I have a lovely family, but you know what really gets me off? Sex with animals, particularly sheep. There’s nothing like a warm sheep to keep you company at night why, I’ve even installed a small stable on the second floor of my mansion just to be near Maizie, one of my special favorites. It’s okay, my wife understands completely I’ve even introduced her to a very handsome horse named Oater to see if she’d like to ‘go for a ride,’ if you know what I mean.”

2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

Beck is Just Asking Questions?

Six Dead, Scores Injured at Manhattan Theater

Talk Show Host Glenn Beck Questioned in Wild Riot

By Wendell Swynn
The New York Post-American
February 11, 2010

NEW YORK Police are still investigating who or what caused a panicked m魩e Wednesday night at The Public Square Theater in downtown Manhattan that killed six and sent at least twenty-five to the hospital, but senior NYPD sources close to the investigation say that Glenn Beck, a Fox News cable channel talk show host, is now a ‘person of interest’ and undergoing intensive interrogation.

Suspicion has centered on Mr. Beck as several eyewitnesses reported the controversial television host stood up and began shouting ‘fire’ midway through a showing of the Michael Moore film, “Capitalism: A Love Story.”

“I saw him, he was down front,” said Mr. Horace Nubbin, a Brooklyn cabdriver, referring to Mr. Beck, “and he jumped up suddenly and started yelling the place was on fire. I just grabbed my kids and ran, along with hundreds of other people.”

Venola Gaye, a waitress from Queens, described the ensuing fracas, “People were just trampling each other trying to get to the exits it was horrible, the theater was packed. Me and my family were lucky we were in the seats in back, so we got out easy. What was this guy thinking? Did he think this was some big joke or something?”

Before being taken into custody, Mr. Beck admitted to reporters that he shouted ‘fire,’ but said it was only meant as a question. “You know, it was like, ‘are you ready for a fire?’ or speculating, ‘what if we had a fire started by city inspectors for some reason’ or ‘what if the management of the theater lit the place on fire for the insurance money?’ You know, I’m just a rodeo clown and I say what’s on my mind. I can’t help it if some people don’t get the context or whatever. I was just posing possibilities and asking questions.”

But witnesses disagree. Mr. Euell Doonce from Long Island, who was sitting a row behind Mr. Beck, said, “He was mumbling something low and inaudible but when he said ‘fire’ he screamed it at the top of his lungs, several times.” His wife Umelda, also a witness, added, “There’s no doubt he started this panic. This wiseacre ought to be thrown in jail.”

At press time, authorities had not determined whether Mr. Beck would be charged, but various witnesses reported that Mr. Beck was sitting with two men who were also yelling ‘fire’ in unison with Mr. Beck. It’s been alleged that the pair were radio talker Rush Limbaugh and Fox News host Sean Hannity. Both men are being sought by police for questioning.

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