Tag Archives: This Day in Hell

This Day in Hell: John Yoo

March 6, 2041: John’s eternal sentence is to sit chained to a desk in a grubby cubicle that smells like the inside of Cheney’s colostomy bag, endlessly preparing legal memos in longhand justifying his mistreatment in Hell, while demonic children chant silly jokes involving his last name — “Hey, yoo-hoo-de-boo-boo!” — and perform “Yoo’s On First” comedy routines unto eternity, with the occasional surprise torture session that doesn’t result in organ failure or permanent disfigurement tossed in to keep him on his toes.

This Day in Hell: Santelli Someone Who Cares

February 23, 2040. CNBC’s Rick Santelli arrives in Hell and is offered a luxurious 10-bedroom, 4-bath mansion at a low mortgage rate. “Oh, boy! Wotta deal!” he shouts as he snaps it up and moves in, but a month later, the mortgage doubles. It keeps doubling every month until Santelli finally complains to the Devil: “You can’t just double my mortgage every month. That’s unfair!” “Just where do you think you are, Rick?” “That’s not the point every place, even here, has to have some rules governing mortgage rates!” “That’s tough, Rick, but that’s the free market for you.” “But I can’t possibly earn enough to pay this inflated mortgage!” “What are you, Rick, some kind of loser?” Later, the foreclosed-on Rick is given a minimum wage job cleaning J.P. Morgan’s underwear with a pipe cleaner and lives in his ‘Hell car’ a rusted-out 1988 Plymouth Horizon with four flat tires and no engine that rents for $800 a month.

This Day in Hell: Office Politician

February 22, 2032. Lewis I. ‘Scooter’ Libby arrives without fanfare and is shown a small office where he gets right down to work sharpening eye gouges for Satan’s right-hand man Dick Cheney. Asked how he enjoyed his first day in Hell, Scooter replied, “It’s great — just like being back at the White House.”

This Day in Hell: The ‘Perley’ Gates

February 21, 2050: Richard Perle is welcomed to Hell after decades of being assured he is going to Heaven. To the amusement of everyone, Perle makes a lengthy speech wherein he attempts to convince the Damned Hell is actually Heaven. In response to the laughter, Perle insists he doesn’t endorse everything he says. Although he is prevented from realizing it, adding to the hilarity is Perle’s attire he’s wearing a toilet plunger on his head.

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