Written by Ken Carman
You know my story, as told my others.
You don’t know my story.
My Father and I know how life flashes in front of others when they die. Not me. Not us. Not we.
In the last few moments, through pain that no one could bear, that I bore for you, I thought of whys, and hows. How were my disciples going to do? What reasons, the “why,” would they speak of me, tell my story, even, perhaps, write of me? What of my mother?
As life bled out of me I felt weak, I wondered why I couldn’t leave yet, I so wanted to return.
“Why have you forsaken me?”
Sometimes I think my father has yet to forgive me for saying that, as I have yet to forgive myself.
What of those who knew not what they did, who surrounded me: buzzing like flies who only know how to live off what life was, or life as it passes, not knowing, or admitting there is more.
We are all food for the father. They say the father: my father, is all knowing, yet there was so much we both learned that day. We learned of pain, betrayal, cowardice, bravery, anguish, and the many reasons why. Not as simple as it seems when you have to walk in the sandals of one of your own creations. Living is as confusing and filled with lies as it is revealing. You know you will die, but even at the end you struggle with the concept. The path to deep, personal, self-deception is laden with signs that say “wrong,” “right” and “it doesn’t really matter.”
My story is now yours to tell. It will be told, over and over, and being who you are it will be told as it was, also as some wished it had happened, and by those who wish it was something other than what it was. Great evil will be done in my name, and unimaginable good.
Here’s a clue: the good is often very hard, and dangerous, for those “foolish” enough to follow. What’s easy, convenient, even automatically recited, can be quite evil. For if my father and I have learned anything from those years it’s how easily self deception is, and yet how hard seeing that for what it is can be.
Let’s just say if you have led an easy life, accepting what you’re told, or what’s easy, you’re probably not following the path of the divine.
Now. while I know where I am going, and where I have been, even an earthly existence even for a savior doesn’t do it all justice. So I will return. But, for now, as light fades and the heavens approach, and I gasp my last earthly breath…
Tis all too much for even a savior to express in mere words.
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