The Tattlesnake ‘True’ Tales From the ER Edition

Emergency Room log entries from various sources, purported to be on the up-and-up:

— Patient admitted ER with self-inflicted gunshot wound to left palm. (He was testing to see if gun was loaded!) Police are going to arrest him for unregistered weapon that he brought to ER with him. He wanted cops to check and see if gun was working properly!

— Patient’s abdominal discomfort caused by overeating. He was trying to set the world record for Big Mac consumption. He downed 12 before he got sick.

— He was admitted with complaints of ‘burning mouth’ after eating a jar of jalapeno peppers. We’ll wait for lab results to determine if that’s the cause.

— This woman is 80 and says she hasn’t had a period in 30 years. She hasn’t had one now. She sat on some spilled hot sauce in her underwear.

— The patient has no previous history of suicides.

— Patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

— Genital examination reveals that he is circus sized.

— Patient referred psych wing for examination post-recovery. He tried to give himself a hernia operation with a razor blade.

— The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

— Patient is numb from her toes down.

— She has occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

— Patient’s large, brown stool was noticed ambulating in the hallway.

— Rectal exam was routine but highly ugly.

— DR A***** thinks diarrhea caused by daily doses of Ex-Lax. DR G***** disagrees and wants more tests.

— Scheduled for MRI this AM, but ran out of ER in panic. Police have been alerted to look for a barefoot man wearing nothing but a white hospital gown with a blue floral pattern connected to an IV tree. 24 hours later, we’re still waiting to hear from police. 12 inches of snow and below zero temps may be impeding their search.

And, finally, this:

In casual conversation, a nurse piped up that a bizarre occurrence had rudely intruded on her reality when a man came in her ER recently with a G.I. Joe doll trapped in his rectum.

An intern quickly attended to him, the extraction went smoothly, and, afterwards, the intern asked the man how it happened that he got a G.I. Joe stuck in his caboose. The patient was in good spirits and replied jocularly, “I guess I took the phrase ‘sex toy’ way too literally.”

The kicker: After the insertee departed the ER, the intern noticed he had left his G.I Joe behind and that it was a talking doll. Still wearing rubber gloves, he absentmindedly pulled the string. A tinny, slightly garbled voice squawked, “C’mon, boys, let’s take that hill!”