November 9, 2009
Fox News Reports: Millions of Grannies Flee U.S. as Death Panels Loom

Glenn Beck: “Run For Your Lives”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – With the establishment of government-mandated death panels just days away, grandmothers began fleeing the United States in record numbers today, reports Fox News.

“I am never one to yell Fire’ in a crowded theater,” said Fox News host Glenn Beck. “But run for your lives!”

Across the country, slow-moving caravans of 1980s-era Cadillacs with turn signals blinking were making the torturous journey to the Canadian border, their back seats laden with cats, knitting projects, and bottles of Ensure.

Fox News may have set off the mass exodus by warning grannies that if they did not flee quickly enough they would face government-mandated organ harvesting.

Elsewhere, anti-healthcare protesters objected to the language of the House bill, saying there were too many polysyllabic words.