Caught in the Internet: Emergency Room Cases

Just a little Sunday fun-day stuff, strictly for laughs:

E.R. Cases

“Every day, people come in and you just think, ‘You gotta be kidding me’,” says a Florida emergency room doctor. “I mean, what makes a guy think using a fish hook to clean out ear wax is a good idea?”

With that, some information about why people go to the E.R. in the United States, as purportedly collected by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

— In 2001, a 33-year-old man suffered severe burns after dropping a lit cigarette into toilet filled with oil and water on which he was sitting. Girlfriend was trying to surprise him for birthday by cleaning his motorcycle and dumped old oil and gas-soaked rags in toilet. He was surprised.

— In 2001, a 40-year-old woman complained of severe discomfort after using barbecue grill lighter fluid as feminine hygiene product. Claimed she was “freshening up” before backyard party.

— In 2002, a 59-year-old man shot wife’s foot with .22-caliber rifle after mistaking her ‘bunny head’ bedroom slippers for ‘varmint’ at 3:AM. Foot was only grazed.

— In 2002: “Patient is stable and recovering well after literally catching a bus. Patient grabbed back bumper and was dragged over two blocks before driver noticed him and stopped. Patient said he was late for work, but would try a different route next time instead.”

— In 2003, a 44-year-old father was treated for broken bones from a fall off a garage roof after he tried to parasail using old shower curtain. Was “showing two sons principles of aeronautics.”

— In 2004, a 24-year-old woman said she slipped in the shower — when she stepped on a basketball.

— In 2005, a 29-year-old man sustained a broken ankle and multiple contusions when he fell after inviting neighbors to watch him perform Michael Jackson dance routines on the roof of his two-story home. Said it was the ‘Moonwalk’ that caused the fall.

— In 2005, a 31-year-old woman’s hand was treated for lacerations and bruises from a mousetrap accident. Said she was testing to see if it was strong enough to kill mice.

— In 2006, a 46-year-old woman reported her “husband was wiring Internet when antlers fell off wall and hit patient on top of head.”

— In 2006, an 18-year-old woman was “looking for a cell phone in a dumpster at [a] sorority. Had rubber lid of dumpster fall onto head when wind blew.”

— In 2007, a 22-year-old man entered the E.R. with a toilet plunger super-glued to top of head. Claimed he was “trying to impress new girlfriend.”

— In 2007, a 28-year-old man received treatment for a gunshot wound to his thigh. His uncle, instead of getting up from the couch to open the door when his nephew knocked, decided to shoot the lock off of the front door of his trailer home. He succeeded, and then the bullet went into his nephew’s leg.

— In 2008, a 30-year-old man was “chasing a raccoon last night, forgot he had cable set up in yard.” When he tripped over the cable he had ‘set up’ to foil trespassers, he twisted his left wrist.

— In 2008, a 41-year-old man was treated for burns to his right hand from foam ‘No. 1’ finger that had melted into his skin. He was trying to light a cigarette with a blowtorch, using the foam hand to block the wind. Said he didn’t notice as blowtorch flame melted foam appendage. Consumption of alcohol at tailgate party was determined to be a factor in accident.

— In 2009, a 40-year-old woman was severely burned when she got her hand stuck in a turkey that had been in a 350F oven for 3 hours. She said she was “checking to see if the bird was done.”

— In 2009, a 37-year-old man was cutting branches with a circular saw, using a running wood chipper as a sawhorse. When the man cut off several fingers with the saw, they fell into the wood chipper and could not be reattached to hand.

Also, CPSC statistics show that:

— Men account for 56 percent of the E.R. visits.

— Men suffer 80 percent of “pressure washer” injuries.

— Men suffer 90 percent of injuries involving a “mobile home” plus “alcohol”.

— And, perhaps unsurprisingly, 96 percent of “nail gun” injuries were suffered by men.

— However, 90 percent of accidents involving hair care products, breath mints or bath accessories were reported by women.