The Borowitz Report: A Special Offer from America’s Corporations

Written by Andy Borowitz


Dear American:

American corporations have taken a beaten recently.  We’ve been accused of everything from buying elections to subverting the Constitution to being puppet-masters of the Supreme Court.

To these charges we say: Well, duh.

As a wise man once said, “Corporations are people.”  Therefore, to be treated like a person in America today, it stands to reason that you must become a corporation.

That’s why, for a limited time, we are offering every man, woman and child in this country a chance to incorporate and become a card-carrying member of Corporation of American Corporations (CAC™).

As a newly-formed corporation, you’ll immediately reap the benefits that such other CAC™ members as the Koch Brothers enjoy, such as:

—  Exemption from Federal, State and local taxes

—  Freedom to despoil America’s air, water, and birdlife

—  Exclusive opportunities to sell weapons to Iran

So join us, won’t you?  Wire the Corporation of American Corporations ™ a payment of $10,000, and start enjoying the rights and privileges that the U.S. Constitution used to grant to ordinary individuals.  Don’t pass up this amazing offer.  We promise you: it’s too big to fail.

Sincerely,

The Corporation of American Corporations™