The Borowitz Report: A Special Offer from America’s Corporations
Written by Andy Borowitz
American corporations have taken a beaten recently. We’ve been accused of everything from buying elections to subverting the Constitution to being puppet-masters of the Supreme Court.
To these charges we say: Well, duh.
As a wise man once said, “Corporations are people.” Therefore, to be treated like a person in America today, it stands to reason that you must become a corporation.
That’s why, for a limited time, we are offering every man, woman and child in this country a chance to incorporate and become a card-carrying member of Corporation of American Corporations (CAC™).
As a newly-formed corporation, you’ll immediately reap the benefits that such other CAC™ members as the Koch Brothers enjoy, such as:
— Exemption from Federal, State and local taxes
— Freedom to despoil America’s air, water, and birdlife
— Exclusive opportunities to sell weapons to Iran
So join us, won’t you? Wire the Corporation of American Corporations ™ a payment of $10,000, and start enjoying the rights and privileges that the U.S. Constitution used to grant to ordinary individuals. Don’t pass up this amazing offer. We promise you: it’s too big to fail.
The Corporation of American Corporations™