Monthly Archives: December 2009

The News Pauper: The Year 2009

By W.B. Dunne

The News Pauper hails the departure of a very bad year! This pathetic span that has just passed has stood alone in its grotesque ridiculousness. From the advent of the Sarahcuda to the appropriation of the word teabagging for something nowhere near as fun as what the original indicated2009 held its own as king of the aughts! The New Year’s Eve eve news that Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized just seems too contrived to be realthe story of the Nigerian with the unfortunate handle the underpants terrorist also stinks of conspiracy. Do I smell yellowcake?

It is a season of reflection and prognostication for the whole of humanity. It bears tolerance then, for my first prediction, which is not really a prediction at all, but mere common sense. The NP thinks that El Rushbo shall be ministering to his Dittoheads in record time. He will reap a huge surge of ratings and reclaim his share from the upstart Beck. This entire affair is as sleazy a ratings game as ever has been. I await with great anticipation these two massive vanities, two titanic Asses, vying for the action in the footlights. Diva a Diva. Rushs first show back will feature the crucifixion of the liberal website commenters. He will claim that the left is as vicious as the right and that he is justified in hating first, due to the (earned) hatred in the remarks of his detractors regarding his attack. I will watch with intense delight, because the fight that ensues will occur between the teabaggers themselves, and will weaken them further.

There are other indicators that the NP sees with his swell-trained eye. The idea that the next decade of the millennia will surpass the last in its degeneracy has already been brought up, so the NP feels little compunction in calling bullshit! It will get worse alright, for the dinosaurs of the last century that cling to life along the margins of the aged and under-informed. There is a new day dawning for responsible leadership and the involvement of the populace that it will spawn. We are witnessing the passing of the retrograde fearmongering and incompetence, and the reversal of the degradation of our discourse.

Our economy has been showing some signs of life, our congress has been showing some fear of reprisal. Our corporations have shown some pangs of conscience, our discourse has shown some progress. The distance we have come in one short year with a president in office who, in spite of the task, demonstrates a level of diligence his predecessor wouldnt comprehend, gives the NP such hope and succor that is hard to be grateful enough. The way that this leader measures up when the tough calls of the past year have had to be made, reinforces my belief that America will absorb the lessons of the past decade and thrive from the rejection of the policies of hypocrisy espoused by those who would happily destroy her. Our enemies are not without; they are within.

Finally, it would be an oversight not to make a hopeful new year wish that something comes along to silence forever the maw that is Dick Cheney. If any one man deserves the burden of the blame for all the hardship this American ideal has experienced it would be him. His avarice and ambition has landed him in an ideological prison as secure and inescapable as any Supermax. His servitude to the Bush familys depraved dealings earns him his own special mark. He is Gollum, and into the fire he must eventually go.

Remember dear readers, that in spite of what TMZ says, in spite of the false flags and the fried pipers, progress marches along imperceptibly until we all arrive in the utopia of true harmonyfailing that we shall all be hit by a massive asteroid.

Contact the author at WBDunne@ltsaloon.org

2009 WB Dunne. All Rights Reserved.

TSA Chief Urges Underwear Ban on Some Flights

TSA Chief Urges Underwear Ban on Some Flights

By Rance Sidhanes
AP Staff Writer
December 31, 2009

WASHINGTON — At a press conference this afternoon, Transportation Security Administration Acting Director Wilton Pohl told reporters he would “favor a ban on underwear” on domestic flights lasting over one hour and all international flights to protect Americans from future terrorist attacks.

“It would be a simple and inexpensive matter to enforce,” Pohl said, reacting to the alleged Christmas Day airliner bombing attempt by suspected al-Qaida operative Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. “Passengers could either arrive at the airport without underwear, or TSA marshals could collect their underwear in sanitary bags at the point of departure, and the passengers would get their underwear back at their destination.”

Asked if some Americans might stop flying if they had to do so without underwear, Pohl replied, “I don’t think this will be a major problem I often go without wearing underwear myself — but for those passengers who feel uncomfortable, we would issue temporary paper underwear. Once the people are aware of how vital this program is to our national security, I’m confident any objections will cease.”

Questioned as to what undergarments would be banned, Pohl said, “Boxers, briefs, pantyhose, long john’s, anything where a bomb could be concealed. Thongs, I don’t know they may be too small to worry about, although, for the sake of consistency, they will be prohibited too.”

Contacted for comment, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said, “Mr. Pohl’s credentials in this area are spotless. If he says we need this, then I take him at his word. Though it may sound funny to say, it’s true: we can’t have any more exploding underwear incidents aboard our airliners. Mr. Pohl’s program would make sure of that.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) objected to the proposal, “This is more of Obama’s socialism marching right into your underwear. Next the Democrat Party will have Americans taking airplanes buck-naked. We need a change in this country, but not of our underwear.”

The in-flight underwear ban, which does not require a full Congressional vote, could go into effect as early as February 2010, if approved by the House and Senate Homeland Security committees.

2009 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

Community Impact

Herd About It?
by Ana Grarian

Yesterday afternoon I made my comments to the NYS DEC draft Supplemental Generic Environmental Impact Statement (SGEIS) for potential natural gas drilling activities in the Marcellus Shale formation.When you go to the website you are able to highlight the type of concerns you have, for instance, air quality or water quality. I chose to comment on community impacts.

I had intended to speak about pollution concerns, but just seeing the choice “community impacts”, made me realize there were some issues I had not considered.

My town has fewer than 2000 people. That’s men, women and children. Yes – some farmers have more cows in a single barn – than there are people in the whole town. Read more

The Tattlesnake Odd Quotes at Year’s End Edition

Random blips on the mental radar selected randomly, with commentary in brackets:

“One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people’s money to help prevent there to be a crisis.”
— George W. Bush, Jan. 12, 2009. [Translation to English from Bushspeak: ‘I used your money to bailout my family and wealthy friends on Wall Street and in banking because my administration didn’t do its job of properly regulating them.’]

“Um, you guys said that we, um, did this for the show.”
— Falcon “Balloon Boy” Heene, to his parents during a TV interview, Oct. 15, 2009. [This should be the motto of the Republican Party.]

“I think we all have a screw loose in this business.”
— Kyra Phillips, inadvertently speaking the truth on CNN, Oct. 9, 2009. [This should be the motto of the US national media.]

“Give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney, and one hour, and I’ll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders.”
— Jesse Ventura, former MN Gov. and Navy SEAL, on CNN, May 11, 2009.
[This line should be emblazoned across the bottom of the screen every time a clip of Cheney speaking is shown.]

“I don’t know anything about cars.”
— Edward E. Whitacre, Jr., when he took over as CEO of GM, June 9, 2009. [‘Gee, how could we be going bankrupt?’]

“You can’t convince me that the founding fathers wouldn’t allow you to secede.”
— Glenn Beck, April 14, 2009. [They might make an exception in Beck’s case.]

“So you need to get deep into why he is what he is, instead of just saying, ‘Well, he’s a homosexual so how do I handle him, and how do I be Christian?’ Well, I think you ought to tell him, ‘Listen, son, you know, here’s what the Bible says about this, and it’s called an abomination before God, so I’ve got to tell you the truth because I love you.’ That’s what I think.”
— Pat Robertson’s advice to the parents of a gay son, on CBN’s “The 700 Club” June 9, 2009. [Right after this broadcast, Pat ordered out for a BLT.]

“An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: ‘If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?’ ‘No,’ said the priest, ‘not if you did not know.’ ‘Then why,’ asked the Inuit earnestly, ‘did you tell me?'”
— Annie Dillard

“Ted Kennedy’s dad, by the way, Joe Kennedy, sympathetic to Hitler, sympathetic to the Nazis.”
— Rush Limbaugh, as quoted by Simon Maloy at Media Matters’ LimbaughWire, Aug. 8, 2009. [George W. Bush’s grandfather, Prescott Bush, helped finance the Nazis even after WWII began, and was forced by the US government to stop. Whatever Joe Kennedy’s sympathies, he never contributed financial backing to Hitler’s Third Reich.]

“The Army, the Marines do not have uniforms that fit that big an ass.”
–The always classy Limbaugh again, commenting on Hillary Clinton, Sept. 22, 2009, also via Media Matters. [This from the manly Lard Lad whose ‘anal cyst’ was too big to allow him to wear the uniform.]

“Nearly half of all US children, including an overwhelming majority of black children, will eat meals at some point during their childhood paid for by food stamps, an indicator of poverty, a study showed Monday.”
AFP, “Half of US kids depend on food stamps during childhood: study,” Nov. 2, 2009. The study was done by the American Medical Association’s Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine. [Out of a population of about 300 million, 66 million Americans now collect food stamps, a record high number. Nearly 50 percent of US children need food stamps to eat regularly.]

“The urgent necessity is to make a decision — whether or not it is right.”
— David Broder’s sage advice to Obama on Afghanistan, proving once again why Uncle Fudd is the dean of doomed Washington punditry, from the Washington Post, Nov. 13, 2009. [Say, Dave, if your life were on the line, would you be this cavalier about whether Obama’s decision was wrong or right?]

“The white Christian heterosexual married male is the epitome of everything right with America!”
— Michael Savage, from his radio show June 17, 2009, as quoted by Media Matters. [Okay, so when does the former Michael Alan Weiner come out of the closet?]

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