Ye Olde Scribe’s Day After New Year’s Day Quotation Bomb Bonanza

“As Scribe, dressed as Slim Pickens, rides da bomb down to planet blog.”

“Slim Pickens?” What ever happened to his brother who hogged the buffet line, “Fat Sloppings?”

-YOS

The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision

-Helen Keller

(Re: Junior blathering about how he kept America safe “since 9/11.”) How the hell can he get away with making that statement, over and over again? SINCE 9/11? How can he be allowed to use a qualifier like that? Jesus H. Christ! How about these, then? Herbert Hoover: until 1929, he kept America from plunging into the Great Depression. Richard Nixon: until 1972, he kept cover-ups of illegal activity out of the White House (as far as anyone knows). Bill Clinton: until 1997, he kept the Oval Office oral-sex free (as far as anyone knows). William Henry Harrison: until a month after his inauguration, he was alive. No sir, Cheerleader W. Fratboy, it dont work that way. When its evaluation time, you cant pick only the days you didnt fail. Especially when your failure was as massive and preventable as NINE FREAKIN ELEVEN. YOUR FAILURE. NINE ELEVEN. ALL YOURS.

-Otto at Chimp

An infinite God ought to be able to protect Himself, without going in partnership with State Legislatures.

Robert Ingersoll

Have half a dozen smart 12 year olds review government forms (Start with e-rate and the IRS), any form they can’t understand should be revised by said 12 year olds and the originators of the original one should be sent to Montana where they will wear shorts and t-shirts while scraping fetid roadkill from winter roads. When the kids are done, have them revise the tax code, oversee the SEC and the senate ethics committee. Issue them TASERS to subdue unruly bureaucrats, Any deemed incorrigible should be euthanized and the bodies donated to struggling zoos as nutritional suppliments for hyenas, jackals and very large pythons.

-sennebec

For so many years; at the mercy of a nitwit… evil responses to Katrina, KBR-like corruption and a warning system deliberately set up to constantly scream ‘Danger! Danger! Danger?’ Did someone genetically splice Robot, Gilligan and Doctor Smith together and plant the result in the White House?

-YOS, commenting on a website.

In essence, when one looks closely at the arguments that are raised of intelligent design, these are not arguments that are raised to advance science, because if they were, the advocates of intelligent design would be busy in the laboratory and they’d be producing research papers. What they’re really busy doing is raising a series of arguments against evolution. The purpose of these arguments, quite frankly, is to prop open the schoolhouse door long enough to get a religiously inspired doctrine into the science classroom under the pretense that it’s authentic science when it’s not.

-Ken Miller

If Creationists were sincere they’d be out doing more experiments to prove their “theory” rather than spending so much time debunking evolution.

-Scribe describing a Ken Miller quote to a reader who E-mailed him

Bringing that idea into the school classroom seems innocuous enough, because all you would do is tell students, well, there’s either the evolution explanation or the design explanation. But consider the implications of that. If we present the idea of intelligent design as an alternative to evolution, students, who are very bright, are going to understand something right away, and that is, basically, you’ve got your atheist theory over here and you have your Bible or God-friendly theory over there.

What it does is to falsely cast evolution in light of an inherently atheistic idea. This is the goal of the intelligent-design movement, indirectly to tell students that either you turn your back on the faith that you’ve been brought up with in order to embrace the scientific mainstream, or to be true to your faith you have to reject modern science. That’s a false choice. It does disservice to religion, and it does disservice to science, and I think it is a terrible way to proceed with scientific education.

-Ken Miller,

“If it’s ‘OK’ through media silence on the subject for religious nutjobs to pray for the death of supposedly ‘liberal’ Supreme Court justices, will it be OK for the more religious amongst us to pray for the death of more Conservative ones? Inquiring ‘back at ya’ fair play advocates want to know. “

The British considered our side to be terrorists simply because we shot from behind trees. The definition of terrorist, as with war, under goes another kind of upgrade. We go from shooting behind trees, to bombing places with civilians, to body bomb packs: always headed in the worst directions.

I fear the future upgrades in these definitions.

Does it really matter if Jesus knew where the rocks were when he “walked’ on water?” Or that he knew that the dead wasn’t really dead but could be raised from it? Whenever he performed these “illusions,” if they were “illusions,” he told a story, was making a point. I believe as a species we focus on the less important and skip over and even go out of our way to alter what was being said. Essentially we’re claiming the performance is the prop. No, the prop simply facilitates the performance if you have the ability, the intellectual ability, to step beyond the banal. If not, it’s like reading these words and seeing only words: no context.

-Ken Carman, fellow poster at Liberaltopia in separate E-mails and on the web in a discussion group

.

MEMORANDUM

TO: ALL BLACK PEOPLE
FROM: YOU KNOW!!
RE: NAMING YOUR DAUGHTERS
DATE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

Please don’t start naming your daughters after the President — names such as: Obamanesha , Obamalisha, Obamarette, Obamalaya, Obamaria, Obamanette, Barakala, Barakella, Barakesha, Barakyah, etc. or adding, La, Sha, Da or Ja, Rhi, as a prefix is not allowed. Don’t start that mess! PLEASE!!

It is acceptable to name your sons Barack, or even Obama but that is as far as you may go.

YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY RECEIVED THE MEMO AND HAVE BEEN WARNED!

-spam from Mrs. Scribe

Dick Cheney, doing his best impression of “The Penguin,” appeared on Fox News, stating with his Pottersville smile, “I feel very good about a lot of the things we’ve done in this administration. I think that they will be viewed in a favorable light when it’s time to write the history of this era.”

If it’s written by squirrels.

– Ed Naha

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

Doug McLeod

Yes, there will be more war. There already is, both Cold and HOT. Expect more. If either Muslims and Christians; or both, became more concerned with getting along and understanding, then we might back away from the abyss. But God/Allah has spoken. He demands blood and blind obedience. They can tell their deity has spoke.

They saw it in a mirror.

– Ken Carman posting at Volcano (Scribe stays out of that place, due to the humorlessness of some posters.)

If one morning i walked on top of the water across the potomac river, the headlines that afternoon would have read, “president can’t swim”

-Lyndon Johnson.

In a pattern typical of the preceding eight years, major U.S. journalists are focusing on almost everything else from Sarah Palins political future to what President-elect Barack Obama should do after hes inaugurated in two months not the lessons that should be learned from Bushs disastrous presidency.

An example was Tom Brokaws Meet the Press on Sunday, which addressed the financial and energy crises with nary a negative word spoken about Bush.

It was as if everyone else was responsible for the nations troubles, from unions and auto executives to Congress and Obama (for not providing immediate answers). Just not the person who is still in charge and who was chiefly responsible for taking the United States from an era of peace, prosperity and budget surpluses to the precipice of endless war, economic devastation and national bankruptcy.

-Robert Parry

The following was a case of “first came the joke, then came the research.” Scribe reversed the order…

After the incident, John Wayne Bobbitt attempted to generate money from his notoriety, in a number of ways. He formed a band, “The Severed Parts…”

-Wiki

All these years after Lorena Bobbitt and her husband were divorced. What she did before the divorce… was that his “severance package?”

-YOS to a cousin as he typed this.

Short post today-I lazed until 9, but must be semi-coherent and presentable by 10 when the library opens. Here are questions with no answers (yet) If you have any, feel free to share them.
1-How can you tell if a sloth is bipolar?
2-When a politician says “I’ll be brief”, do you look for the Fruit of the Loom label in the front or the back?
3-How many supreme beings are required to replace a burned out star?
4-What percentage of rocks have a sense of humor.
5-Has anyone come up with a better answer for “Why is there air?” since Bill Cosby?
6-If a tree falls on a mime in the forest and the only witnesses are in the federal witness protection program, can they resist the urge to tell Judge Judy?
7-How many colors remain undiscovered?
8-Are there any practical uses for nir?
9-Why aren’t the proponents of intelligent design able to explain Dick Cheney?
10-If there really is a supreme being, why did he put Walmart, obese people, thongs and stretch pants in the same universe?

-Sennebec: 2/5/08 entry “From a wild and cwazie, yet less than wilderness, part of Maine

Funny, whether true or urban myths…

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers … and then there are educators

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting , ‘ Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small , so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

-E-mails from a friend’s relative

“And now the liberals want to stop President Reagan from selling chemical warfare agents and military equipment to Saddam Hussein, and why? Because Saddam allegedly gassed a few Kurds in his own country. Mark my words. All of this talk of Saddam Hussein being a war criminal or committing crimes against humanity is the same old thing – liberal hate speech. And speaking of poison gas, I say we round up all the drug addicts and gas them.”

-Rush Limbaugh, November 3, 1988

Mexican dish

An American was touring Mexico. After his day sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After he finishes them, he called the waiter over and said, “Thanks. They were gorgeous, but smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, ” Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.”

-Once again a relative of a friend who wishes to remain anonymous

The Final Equation
“Chuckle filled, nutrition-less, desert for those who consume syntax.”

This edition of YOS is brought to you by Fat Stupid Baby Productions. That’s right Fat Stupid Baby Productions; because only a fat stupid baby would walk on stage year after year heading towards old manhood before his time. Worried about poorly constructed sentences here at Ye Olde Scribe Inc… e… dink… e do? Well, now we have a help line. We are dialing it for you right now. If you wish to speak to anyone: good luck. Phone trees are designed to prevent you from talking to anyone. And for decorating for the holidays. With great big balls of corporate Fa, la, la, la, la… siscom BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. All opinions here at Ye Olde Scribe are put through a Sarah Palin brand meat grinder first and fed to turkeys. That’s why everyone at the Palin family is getting fatter… except one of her daughters when the latest spawn from Hell was born.

Maybe your 09 will be better than 08. Scribe wished you the best. If you can’t have the best, get as close to it as possible. Otherwise take a rain check. Look at the Weather Channel. And check. Or at least punch a Chad. Or a Jeremy.

Right Wing pundits: less brains than T. Schiavo’s corpse and less weighty on issues than a feather pulled from Daffy Duck’s ass. But they still need to lose weight. The only known cures: loud mouth-o-rectomies and fat lip-o-suction.

The end.

Das ist alles.

What don’t you have any other place to go?