News of the Future: Wurzelbacher Nominated by GOP in 2012

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Mr. Wurzelbacher also unveiled the partys new slogan, The few, the proud, the Republicans! with the exclamation point followed by a large, yellow happy face roundel.

Mr. Wurzelbacher also named his German Shepard dog Sharkbreath as his vice presidential candidate. Hes loyal and honest, the G.O.P. nominee said, announcing his choice, and he dont take no crap from foreigners or mailmen! Thats the kind of bold, outside-the-box stuff we need to get the people to pay attention to us.

Following the conventions closing ceremonies, which amounted to Mr. Wurzelbacher and Mr. Izjit sharing a box of Moon Pies and a liter of Dr. Pepper while listening to cassette tapes of Lee Greenwood and Anita Bryant, the pair put the Gone Fishin sign on the door and adjourned to a local tavern where they chugged shots of Rebel Yell and bottles of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer until insensate.

Mr. Izjit’s father Beauregard later put them in the back of his pick-up truck until they sobered the hell up, damn em.

The nomination of Mr. Wurzelbacher and his dog as the Republican Party standard-bearers demonstrated to many Washington insiders that the party has never quite recovered from the bizarre and untimely death of de facto party leader Rush Limbaugh who choked on his own ego in 2010.

Other potential contenders for the G.O.P. presidential nomination such as Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, former Rep. Newt Gingrich, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney also dropped out in the years since Mr. Obama was elected in 2008.

Gov. Palin was devoured by a pack of wild wolves last year; it was discovered that Gov. Jindal was not an American citizen and he was deported to India; Mr. Gingrich met a strange demise when a lie detector exploded ten feet from him, instantly killing the former congressman and three others; Gov. Huckabee suddenly disappeared, suspected to have been abducted by his religions founder, and Gov. Romney is still recovering from surgery to remove a fence post from his rectum.

That left the field open to Mr. Wurzelbacher to campaign for the nomination in a party that has been reduced to begging for coins from church collection plates and running late-night infomercials selling best of CD compilations of the speeches of former Republican presidents Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush and his son, George W. Bush.

I aint gonna be like the last Bush, Mr. Wurzelbacher assured this reporter before passing out drunk, the only place Im gonna invade is Canada for that cheap health care up there! We gotta know the secret of what theyre doin and apply it down here!

Mr. Wurzelbacher plans to officially launch his campaign from Loafers Lounge and Liquors in his home state of Ohio, as soon as he can come up with carfare home from Yazoo City.

Copyright 2009 R.S. Janes