The News Pauper: This Is It

By W.B. Dunne

The News Pauper humbly regrets his inability to post regularly. It in no way reflects on the dear readerhere is my latest attempt to say something regarding what is certain to become the most devastating disaster done to us by the Bush-Cheney Cabal.

The NP suspects British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward is making these insane comments in order to divert attention from the fact that BP is not going to let their profits go to save a bunch of fucking turtles. Until they can cap that well and feed it into tankers, theyll let that baby spill. Hell probably get a bonus too, if he can successfully bullshit his way through the crisis and keeps those stock prices up.

I think that the South deserves to be polluted for generations. Their backward thinking and blind support of the robber barons that twisted their trust and faith and patriotism has finally come home to roost. Already there have been anecdotal stories popping up of oil-tinged rain falling in central Florida, there have also been reports of a more reliable nature telling of fisherman engaged by BP in the cleanup becoming ill with nosebleeds and respiratory ailments. How many American lives will be sacrificed to the all-powerful oil company, British Petroleum? Did we lose the Revolutionary War?

If the GOP thinks that the South will sweep them into power again simply because this accident occurred under Barack Obamas watch, they’d better think again. I predict that the presidents cool will carry him through even this horrible event. I think that even the low information reactionary will see through any attempt at steering the blame away from those actually responsible. Even with a mass media that is owned and operated by the energy concerns squelching the stories coming out and priming the memes that do come out, this event has seeped into the conversation in every room in the country. There are suddenly experts in every comment column with vast knowledge of what is being done and many predictions of varying degrees of doom about the outcome. I cant see how an entire summer of increasingly dismal news coming out of the Gulf of Mexico will contribute to the popularity of the ‘Drill Baby Drill’ bunch.

It seems that every time some really bad event takes place anywhere in the world, Dick Cheneys Halliburton is smack in the middle of it. I think this is it for BP, Halliburton, and with their demise will come an era of fierce reprisals and reassessment of the way things are done in the future. If Deadeye Dick lands in St. Helena, like Napoleon, for the rest of his natural life, thatll be icing on the cake for those of us whose peace and tranquility he has stolen forever.

The Spin Doctors are in full gear, with Toxic Tony squawking distractions while the main event lives below the fold. The inconvenience Tony is enduring as he denies the legitimacy of any claim is reason enough for we peasants to head out to the beach and begin tasting some Corexit dispersant ourselves. Those of us unfortunate to live at a distance from the utopia created by Big Tony will have to wait until the Gulf-fed rains poison our famous breadbasket.

There is a bookmaker from Ireland taking bets on which species will be the first to succumb to extinction over this criminal incompetence. While it certainly pains me to know that this level of callousness could only spawn from my beloved paddy kin, it really serves to highlight the depths that BP must have sunk to in order to have the distinction of putting at least ten species in jeopardy of extinction.

Yes, its starting to look like a super summer alright. You can almost taste the crazy.

Incidentally, it is the endangered Kemps Ridley Turtle that is the favorite at 4/5, and the Elkhorn Coral is the longshot at 20/1.

In closing, the NP will try to return with some good news at some point, as this story develops. Remember the prediction in the last column regarding the nationalization of energy concerns in this country — I think it has legs. Even the regressives the NP taps for info are up for this. It would not be a surprise either to see criminal charges being brought against BP and Halliburton. That would be a change I could believe in.

Contact the author at WBDunne@ltsaloon.org.

2010 WB Dunne. All Rights Reserved.