Sat. Jun 15th, 2024

Written by Andy Borowitz

KINGS COUNTY, CA (The Borowitz Report) – Serial killer Charles Manson was denied parole yesterday, effectively ending his bid for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.

With Mr. Manson no longer a contender, the path appears to be clear for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney to become the party’s nominee.

Perhaps in recognition of this development, Mr. Romney unveiled a new campaign slogan today: “Sorry, But You Have No Other Choices Now.”

As for the rest of the GOP field, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum suspended his campaign this week, saying that he wanted “to spend more time with the voices in my head.”

And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich wrote a $500 check on an account that had no money in it, in the first sign that he might be qualified to be President.

Elsewhere, a Fox News spokesman blasted a mole who had previously worked for the network: “At Fox News we have zero tolerance for someone who tells the truth.”


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