Thu. Jul 18th, 2024

“The Tiger’s Fuzzy Tale”

A short one-act play featuring Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Woods.

ELIN WOODS: “So you’re telling me you haven’t talked to that woman in six months!”

TIGER WOODS: “Absolutely, babe, I broke it off completely.”

EW: “You filthy liar! I checked your cell phone and there are three calls to her just today!”

TW: “Ulp!” [Audible gulp] “Look, I’m getting out of here until you’re more rational. I can’t talk to you when you’re crazy like this.”

[Tiger exits room with EW in pursuit. As she leaves, EW grabs a golf club from a bag by the door.]

EW: [Enraged] “Don’t you walk out on me, you lousy bastard!”

TW: “What are you doing with that club?! [EW swings and hits TW’s arm with the club.] “OWWWW! What the hell are you doing?!”

EW: “You’re not running out on me, you little creep!”

TW: [Getting into his black Escalade and starting it up] “I’m not running out on you I’m just going out for a drive until you calm down. Oh, Jesus, my arm is numb how do you expect me to play golf with a numb arm?!”

[TW quickly drives off. As a parting shot, EW hits the back window of the Escalade with the golf club, shattering the window.]

TW: [Yelling out the driver’s side window] “You crazy bitch! Take a chill pill!”

[Moments later there is the sound of a car crashing at the end of the drive. EW runs to where the Escalade has hit a tree.]

EW: “Ha, ha serves you right you steaming pile of crap!” [Mood changes to concern] “Wait, are you hurt, Tiger?”

TW: “My arm isn’t right where you HIT IT with the GODDAMN GOLF CLUB, but I’m okay otherwise, just a couple of scratches. Shit, just look at my friggin’ car!”

EW: “You’d better go to the hospital. I’ll call 911.”

TW: “Wait, wait! Don’t call yet. You realize if it comes out what we were fighting about you can kiss $20 million in endorsement deals good-bye. We need a good story to tell the cops first.”

EW: [Skeptical] “Yeah, sure, what kind of story could cover your arm and the shattered back window? I want to hear this.”

TW: “I’ve got it I had the car accident, hurt my arm, passed out cold, and you smashed the back window to courageously save me!”

EW: “Why would I smash in the back window to save you? Wouldn’t I smash a side window? Besides, there’s nothing wrong with the driver’s side door wouldn’t I just open that and get you out?”

TW: “Hey, I’m Tiger Woods — people love my ass. Nobody’s going to ask questions like that! You just stick to the story and we’ve got it made!”

EW: “Okay, I’m calling 911.”

[The End?]

2009 RS Janes.


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Ken Carman
14 years ago

Let’s see. What do I feel about this. Well, three things.

1. I don’t care.
2. I don’t care.
3. I don’t care.

4, 5. 6 and the rest read the same. This has always been a non-story because they know squat about what happened. He wasn’t drunk, or stoned. Was he having an affair? Well, back to my answers: 1, 2, 3…

Then this morning: breaking news!!!!!! Ha! Did his wife shoot him? Two of the three OJ’d in some park? No, gasp, heavens to Murgatroid: he asked her to take him off speed dial. Earth shattering event! If 2012 the movie comes true, would it pales in comparison?

Listen to all the media driven feltergarb and one would think so.

If he did something wrong, let the cops handle it… as they have so far. Otherwise we: especially the media, should butt the hell out. I wonder what major event they didn’t want to report got replaced by this nonsense? Do we even have anything remotely like a “news” media source these days amongst the MSM? Why don’t they each just admit that they want to be just another rag at the check out counter, or scandal/rumor-only based TV mag? Frankly that cut out alien who has shook hands with every President has almost more news value than what schlock the MSM presents.

RS Janes
14 years ago

Of course it’s nothingburger news, Ken, and I just played it for a joke as a laugh.

Ken Carman
14 years ago

Nah, I knew that. I just found the whole Tiger-fest very annoying. And I don’t think they even know what bloody asses they made of themselves.

Ken Carman
14 years ago

Tried to do a correction to comment one I made and my second comment loaded no matter what I pressed. Sigh.

RS Janes
14 years ago

Well, then, Ken, you’re sure to like this: It’s titled Mr. and Mrs. Tiger’s Xmas Card:


Ken Carman
14 years ago

OK, I got squat here for some reason. Check my Mac when I get home.

RS Janes
14 years ago

It’s not your computer, Ken. For some reason the pic isn’t loading, I don’t know why.

Ana Grarian
14 years ago

Just do a Google search for – Mr. and Mrs. Tiger’s Xmas Card – you’ll get to it.

RS Janes
14 years ago

I’ll try again and see if it posts:

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x