“Apologies to Chris Moore.”
Early evening and Count Biggus Dickus woke up, He growled at Rabid Rove who was rubbing something on his bare chest , “What are you doing?”
“I’m checking on the old myth that vampires catch fire if you rub them with garlic.”
“DO NOT EXPERIMENT WITH ME WHEN I’M SLEEPING.”
“I had a fire extinguisher ready just in case. Hey, you want to suck on me again?”
“No, you bloodless shill, I need sustenance.”
“You want to suck…”
“You haven’t enough to suck.”
“So how’s the ticker, Count Biggus?”
“Lost it long ago, though not as long ago as my heart.”
“How did you lose that?”
“Not enough missed steaks.”
“So what happened to the ticker that replaced the heart then?”
“Had that replaced with a bio organism from a moon of the planet Druidia. I let him out every once in a while and he takes semi human form. You once knew him as Jeff Gannon the Cannon. That’s how I got these big space balls I have.”
“Kind of put you in LONESTAR state of mind, huh?”
Just the Harry the ball-less Reid and Joe “I’ll line up the Jews for you, Adolph,” Lieberman opened the door.
“Oops, sorry guys, they must have given me the wrong key…”
Count Biggus Dickus opened the zipper on his chest and a lizard popped out, singing, “I’m just wild about Harry,” and ate Reid. Joe “go take a shower go take a shower for the Reich” ran screaming like the little girl he is.
“Want to feed on Lieberman, Count Biggus? I can get him back, no problem. He believes any lie… um… talking point we put out there: especially if we sprinkle it with money… um ‘donations,’ to his campaign.'”
“No, I need him. He’s like a real live Roach hotel for Democrats. Let him go. The only more useful idiot than him is Glen the Schmecus Beckus. Besides, feeding on him I might catch that blood disease that makes him to nuts for his own good.”
“Ever think, just for once, of feeding on one of us? Lush Dimbulb would probably last a whole year with his ego, and we could blame it on the Dems when he disappears.”
“No, I never feed on my own kind, or anyone who sucks as much as me. But it would be a… Rush.”
And Count Dickus attempted to laugh.
Deep down in Hell Satan shivered at the sound.