The Tattlesnake — You Might Be a Neocon If… 2008 Update Edition

With a hat tip to Jeff Foxworthy, it’s time to play:

You Might Be a Neocon If…

you believe any of the following: Barack Obama is (a) a socialist; (b) a Muslim; (c) the illegitimate son of Malcolm X; (d) the illegitimate son of Uncle Ben.

you think Obama was a domestic terrorist who helped Bill Ayers plant bombs in the Pentagon; that he doesn’t have a legal birth certificate proving he’s an American citizen; and that his middle name indicates anything more than sheer coincidence.

You believe President Obama’s first act will be to make the ‘nation’ of Africa our 51st state and send every resident a free Cadillac.

you heard Obama was born in Hawaii in 1961 and don’t think it was a state then, thereby making it illegal for him to be president, but are too lazy to look it up before you forward the email.

you believe Sarah Palin is really intelligent and informed and that the reason most of America thinks otherwise is due to the liberal media and their evil ‘gotcha’ questions.

you think an unwed teenage girl’s pregnancy is a sign of the moral failings of permissive secular parents and liberalism in general, except for 17-year-old Bristol Palin.

you believe Sarah Palin is (a) a real feminist; (b) a true populist; (c) a ‘good ole gal just like me!’; (d) winking at you seductively through the TV.

you think it was fine for the Big Media to criticize every detail of Hillary Clinton’s campaign and excoriate her for her laugh, her clothes, her personal taste, or minor mistakes, yet Katie Couric asking Sarah Palin to name what newspapers and magazines she reads ‘every day’ is an outrageous and out of bounds ‘gotcha’ question.

you thought John Kerry’s record of military heroism didn’t entitle him to be president, but John McCain’s did.

you believe that, despite everything, this remains a ‘center-right’ nation.

you think any of the following windbags are still politically relevant: (a) Rush Limbaugh; (b) Bill O’Reilly; (c) Sean Hannity; (d) Michael Savage; (e) Glenn Beck; (f) John McCain’s brother Joe.

you actually believe that Big Media corporations are owned by flaming liberals, except Fox News.

you think Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch is ‘too liberal’ because he once held a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton and employs Alan Colmes.

you believe any of the following are real-live conservative intellectuals: (a) Bill Kristol; (b) Pat Buchanan; (c) Dinesh D’Souza; (d) Joe the Plumber.

you think prayer in school is more important than a good education in school.

you believe that courts should not ‘make law’ but go by a strict interpretation of the Constitution, except in the case of Bush v. Gore, Terry Schiavo, and keeping those designated as ‘terrorists’ by the president in prison without due process.

you think Swift Boater Jerome Corsi is a great investigative journalist.

… you think Michael Moore is a communist dedicated to overthrowing the country’s health care system and forcing you to go to a government doctor for free.

you’ve never read anything by Karl Marx other than a quote or two, yet consider yourself an expert on what is Marxist.

you believe liberals and/or Democrats are all (a) atheists (b) liars (c) commies (d) America-haters (e) arugula eaters (f) always sitting around trying to think up ways to take away your guns.

you think anyone who disagrees with you is unpatriotic, even if it’s an old woman in a wheelchair yelling at you for parking in the Handicapped space.

you think Handicapped parking spaces are liberal commie plots to take away our freedoms.

you believe wearing a flag pin is more important than living up to the Constitutional law of the land.

you think the Constitution was signed by men who were all devout Christians and the nation was founded with a Christian rather than secular government.

… you’ve ever rendered a strong opinion on any book, magazine article, website, film, TV show or play you’ve never actually read or seen.

… you think waterboarding is no different than a fraternity prank.

… you think there was actually a War on Christmas outside of Bill O’Reilly’s head.

… you think any government program that helps ordinary people is horrible socialism, but when our tax money is spent to pay contractors for shoddy work and overcharges, that’s free market capitalism at work.

… you think questions surrounding the events of 9/11 are ridiculous, but firmly believe that the Clintons had something to do with the death of Vince Foster and should be subject to further investigation.

… you think Bush ignoring the August 6, 2001 CIA brief entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in United States” was understandable, since he was on vacation, but are convinced that 9/11 happened because Bill Clinton ignored Al-Qaeda during his presidency.

… you think Osama bin Laden is a lying terrorist sack of crap, yet was telling the truth when said he wanted John Kerry as president in 2004, right before Election Day.

… you still believe Bush and Cheney are moral men with your best interests at heart.

… you don’t want to pay a dime for national health care, yet expect a taxpayer-funded emergency room to treat you immediately after you’ve had an accident.

.. you still think Bush is right even when he’s proven wrong, again and again.

… you think every problem America has can be traced to liberals and/or Democrats.

… you’ve ever called anyone a ‘pinko’ or ‘commie,’ especially someone who demonstrably isn’t either.

…you don’t know the difference between socialism and communism and you don’t really care either.

… you think a) Saddam Hussein had WMD and hid them somewhere outside of the country right before the US invaded, or b) you think we found WMD in Iraq.

… you think former CIA covert agent Valerie Plame ‘deserved’ to be outed because her husband is a ‘traitor’ who revealed the truth about Bush’s phony claims that Iraq tried to buy Niger uranium.

… you think junkies should spend long sentences in jail but Rush Limbaugh should be forgiven for his human frailty.

… you think Ann Coulter is hilariously funny.

… you think talk show blabber Dennis Prager is either a religious expert, conservative intellectual, political philosopher, entirely sane, or all four.

— you are a Christian who experiences temporary blindness whenever you read the Sermon on the Mount.

… you think every word in the Bible was written by God in English, even the letters to the Greeks by Paul.

… you are waiting for Armageddon and believe you will be taken up into heaven during ‘The Rapture,’ even though you lie to your customers, sell products that are made by slave labor overseas, or own a private mercenary company that murders people in other countries.

… you think individual people need strong laws and strict enforcement to keep them in line, but corporations should be able to make their own rules without government interference.

… you think no-bid contracts are a smart way for the government to do business.

… you think Richard Nixon was brought down by the ‘liberal media.’

… you think ‘habeas corpus’ has something to do with hamsters, so what’s the big deal?

… you hate the theory of evolution even though you’ve never read it. You also hate Charles Darwin without knowing anything about him, and point him out as the perfect example of a ‘know-nothing’ American liberal. (He was actually British.)

… you’ve ever read a rant by Michelle Malkin without laughing out loud at its sheer rancorous stupidity.

… you think Charles Krauthammer is sane.

… you still think Karl Rove is a great man.

you believe might makes right since the Surge is working and the Afghanis just love us.

.. you watch “24” and believe if we only had a guy like the fictional Jack Bauer in charge of our intelligence operations, we could lick the terrorists in a month or two.

… you are a self-hating closeted gay male Republican politician.