Ye Old Scribe Presents: FAT Chance!

An actual news report Scribe heard described recent conclusions from the medical community that fat people raise our cancer rates because, they claim, being obese causes cancer. Since Scribe has noticed his whole life that only fat people get cancer, and only fat people get all the diseases and maladies that curse humanity, he would like to reveal other possible conclusions from all this obsession with perfecting humanity through diet and weight control. Well, perfecting everyone other than those who push such conclusions.

As we all know now the Black Plague was caused by fat people, and since many male Klansmen tend to be over weight the obvious conclusion is that racism and antisemitism is caused by being obese. So all you thin folks who helped lynch niggers and Jews: you’re forgiven. We owe you reparations. You obviously were under the EVIL spell of fat people.

9/11? The fault of all those fatties who couldn’t run out of the building fast enough, just like all those fat people didn’t escape New Orleans fast enough. They DESERVED to be shot by Blackwater, Z, Q, LMNOP… whatever BS name they have for themselves now.

Did you know Lee Harvey Oswald had gained 10 pounds pre-Dallas 63? Yup. You got it.

The pilot in the recent, fatal, crash in Pakistan? A fattie.

This evil has been amongst us for so long. Maybe we should expand the kind of game one can hunt, reopen Auschwitz or, to quote our deity, Montgomery Burns: RELEASE THE HOUNDS!!! …before the most evil: the morbidly obese, take too much Kaopectate and then they, “RELEASE THE CRACK-EN!!!”

Either that, or we obsess too damn much over weight as a culture; creating yo yo dieters. The food industry is obsessed with using corn sweeteners and the culture through various media promote an unrealistic, toothpick image that literally creates a condition called vomitous amongst the obsessed, the self absorbed and stars.

Scribe must really be getting old: he just repeated himself twice.

All who don’t agree about vomitous please raise the two fingers you use to shove down your throats.

Now it couldn’t be all that, could it, instead of blaming, accusing and shaming people who aren’t some perfect weight or muscle to fat ratio, could it?

Now there have been some who have suggested we solve this by creating fat farms. Scribe assumes this has something to do with expanding our definition of what might be an appropriate, edible, meat. Though it may be a solution, Scribe would like to point out that if you add fat people to the American dinner tables that would naturally raise the percent of fat in our diets. Especially that yummy sausage shaped breakfast item… wait. That’s not sausage. Ewe. If only it had belonged to Biggus Dickus…

The problem here is that may create a kind of perpetual motion machine for hungry carnivores, that’s true: and it could also very well get them served for supper along with a heaping side of hot steaming…

Yes, indeedy do. That’s what our approach to weight has been in this culture; a HOT STEAMING PILE OF… Our approach to weigh, food and eating actually CAUSES people to obsess, binge/purge. It encourages food tech guys to design food that can tastes like cardboard, or even worse: something scooped out of septic tank. Fat free milk? Why don’t you just put the bottle under the other liquid exuding cow portal? At least it would have some FLAVOR.

Our approach, and the approach of some of the medical community, is self perpetuating. It has helped create various industries dedicated to both creating AND solving the problem. If only Duncan had had that kind of marketing success we would all be playing with yo yos, instead of BEING yo yos.

Will any of this ever solve our collective weight problem? FAT CHANCE.

And, as a final rant, do you know why other countries don’t have as much of an obesity problem as we do? Because they’re better at accepting people for who the HELL they are, not who pop culture says they should be. THEY DON’T $#@! OBSESS ABOUT IT!!!