Written By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a covert mission designed to destroy what remains of al-Qaeda, the CIA has been infiltrating the terror network with executives from JP Morgan Chase, the banking giant.
The mission, which the intelligence agency had hoped to keep secret, came to light this week when al-Qaeda dismissed two of its top officials who it said were responsible for “unacceptably speculative” betting of the terror net’s funds on credit default swaps.
Across the intelligence community, the dismissals caught the attention of analysts, who thought such risky behavior seemed out of character for al-Qaeda.
“The first thing I thought was, this sounds more like the work of JP Morgan,” one analyst said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Al-Qaeda has a reputation for being madmen, but even for them these investments were crazy.”
Pressed about the covert mission, CIA Director David Petraeus confirmed today that it had been a resounding success, telling reporters, “If you’re serious about putting someone out of business, there’s no one better than these JP Morgan guys. One of them can do more damage than a thousand drone strikes.”
But Gen. Petraeus may have spoken too soon, as the official al-Qaeda website today claimed that the terror organization was on the brink of getting a “major financial bailout package” from a consortium of state sponsors of terrorism such as Iran and North Korea.