Still wondering how to best give your family and relatives the bird? Yes! It REALLY IS TRUE. YOS, the family chef, tried a variation on this a few years back and… YUM! …it works well. Like Junior “worked…” for eight, long, hideous, nightmarish years. So grab ahold of your personal giblets… WOAH! Not THAT hard, Bucko! OK, now that you’ve stopped moaning in pain; or pleasure: depending on how kinky you are, be prepared for a tasty treat of the likes you’ve never, ever had since Momsie cooked pig’s liver in 50 weight; 100,000 mile worth of over used Pennzoil.
A Recipe for Dirty Diaper Turkey
Pull turkey out of freezer and put in sink. Forget you did pull it out for more than a day. Still doesn’t smell funny enough? Well, you’re almost there. Be patient. You’re right on track for Scribe’s delicious dirty diaper turkey!
Put in oven, after filling cavities with all kinds of dated sausages, dressing and bell peppers you thought were green but actually were red. Time to get out that very, very old and squishy brown onion you forgot to toss. Chop with used shovel, preferable right after using it for spreading fertilizer. Use liberal doses of sage that your greater than “great” Grandmama Noah passed down to you from the Ark. (What was Noah’s first name, anyway, “Somethingudon’t?” Was his last name, “Nothing?” His full name “Isomewhat” Noah?)
Go to the bathroom. Do NOT wash hands. Ewe! What was that you ate last night?
Do not rinse or wash anything. It’s all about extra flavor people!
Inject turkey with all kinds of savory fluids, preferable of the finest: oldest, vintage.
Raise oven temp to a little below 100; no more than 110, because you want turkey to be “slow roasted.” Leave it in there about a day.
Take turkey out and uncover. Smell that delicious aroma? Wait. Ewe. OK, can’t be THAT bad. Must be some other kind of “fine” aroma. Take a slight taste while standing over turkey. See? Now you’ve added a cream sauce! Feel better yet?
Oh, that’s right. Needs more cream sauce!
After adding that; once you can stand again, cover turkey so smell is a little less toxic. A well insulated bullet proof vest and then a heavy plastic bag will so the trick! Sort of. Maybe not. While you produce more cream sauce… now with more “tomato…” go offer it to the dog.
Poor puppy. Maybe if the dog catcher doesn’t snag him he’ll find a new home. Never knew a 12 year old dog could run that fast, did you? Don’t bother with the cat. He’s already provided you with a few extra body portals the last time you tried to include him in the previous stupid thing you did. Besides, he’s suddenly decided he likes the dog. Run Spot, run! Bye, Kittikins. Oh, well, you never were very good with… pussy… anyway.
Take turkey out back and, while holding your breath, dump it on the ground. Run before odor catches up with you.
Ah, that’s the great thing about the human brain. If you hold your own breath too long and pass out it starts to breath for you! Hope that scar heals and that broken off chunk of cement step won’t make the mailman slip. He’s got a REALLY good lawyer.
The next day pick up the dead raccoons surrounding the dug up turkey and dig a hole big enough for all. Bury at least four feet deep.
Next day, pick up the dead worms, skunks, groundhogs and possums who dug it back up. Notice the lack of wild life in your yard? Solid proof that some animals are smarter than man! (But few are smarter than a smartass wo-man.) Dig hole wider and deeper.
Time to go to Lowes.
Shovel turkey into hole. Try to add more cream sauce. Dispenser empty? Gee, you haven’t eaten for days. Hey! Less weight as you go into Christmas! Mix cement and pour. Stand over as it hardens so the animal protection league won’t discover what you’ve done and make the cops stick your boney ass in jail. After they smell that you know they will. But, on the bright side, as they arrest you, it might mean a lot of extra cream sauce.
Now you’re all set. That’s right, QUITE set. You were standing in the cement idiot. Well, if you manage to break free, this Christmas, stay tuned for Scribe’s next yummy recipe…
Gangrene Goose with Rotted Tomatoes.
Yucko, YOS! Makes me glad we’re departing from tradition and having ham on turkey day. This recipe is worse than ‘Deep Fried Turducken in an Oil Drum’ and I’ll make sure to pass it along to all of my worst friends.
Only the oven temp and the approximate times are correct. Oh, and the attempts to bury it are just a bit on the spot. The rest: pure fun and an old curmudgeon’s imagination.
Nothing says Thanksgiving dinner like a turkey stuffed with White Castle Turkey stuffing.