Thu. Apr 18th, 2024

Or, Once Around the Poop Deck

Rumor Du Jour: Word is, the Big Money Boys are holding back from dumping any more kale into the GOP, especially since new RNC Chair Michael “Hip-Hopper” Steele has inspired about as much confidence as Jim Cramer’s investment advice. With ex-Bush speechwriter David Frum and former Republican contractor Newt Gingrich both taking swipes at the Mighty-Mite Talk Radio Leader of the Rabid Right, how long before the schism between the more-or-less sane Party Insiders and the Christopublican-Conservative Brown Shirts, flopping around crazily to Rush’s goose-step? Place your bets now the money to put the chug in the GOP is drying up nobody wants to back a loser, and the GOP is the bob-tail nag running last these days and 2010 doesn’t look rosy.

Besides, even some of the faithful Christopublican ground troops are backing off after 30 years of getting out the vote for the GOP, they’ve noticed the Republicans, even when in the majority in Congress and holding the WH under Junior, didn’t ‘get ‘er done’ on outlawing abortion and hanging atheists and Unitarians in Lafayette Park. And where’s the Armageddon they were promised? Plus, they aren’t thrilled with Limbaugh he’s not pious enough for their taste.

Without the Christo vote, no GOP seat is safe in 2010. Folks, grab your popcorn and settle back: we’re watching the self-immolation of the GOP on a scale not seen since the Whigs bickered themselves to death. Something will take its place, probably led by more moderate conservatives like Susan Collins and Dick Lugar, while the Christopublican crazies and demented Dittoheads spin out of orbit, lost forever babbling baloney somewhere out near Uranus.

“If only I’d followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars, provided I’d started with a hundred million dollars.”
— Jon Stewart on The Daily Show.

Speaking of CNBC’s Jim Cramer: Just how much high-quality Colombian Marching Powder do you have to jam up your nose to take a raving putz like Cramer seriously? Who in their right mind would take investment advice from this feckless boob? Jon Stewart’s been on the slap-down of Dim Jim lately and doing an excellent job, but were there really that many imbeciles who bought Bear Stearns stock because this court jester advised it? (Please tell me no.) I mean, if you are investing your hard-earned because you think Cramer’s a chuckle-fest, or Maria Bartiromo puts a log on your fire, or Erin Burnett has a brain in her silly head, you’re what the Boiler Room Brigade call a ‘Homer,’ as in ‘Simpson,’ and you’re an all-caps SUCKER who deserves to crap out. (Of course, I have nothing but sympathy for the poor souls who were aggressively peddled dead-end paper by the Boiler Room miscreants based on lies. In that case, it’s the fault of the broker, not the ‘mark.’)

Incidentally, here are some little-known facts about Jim the Jumpin’ Jiver:

— He’s actually only 2-feet tall his TV image is a GE hologram!
— He once worked as a food taster for Mike Bloomberg!
— For years, he made his living wearing a bull costume and dancing for spare change at Wall St. bars!
— He uses his penis to open wine bottles at parties!

BTW, read Cramer admitting to stock manipulation here.

Randomized Prediction: Watch for the sale, possession and use of marijuana for adults of drinking age to be completely legalized in California by next fall. New York and Illinois will likely follow suit shortly after. All of them have deep budget deficits that will be relieved by emptying the jails of potheads and taxing the stuff. The joke is, with Holder’s announcement that the feds will no longer waste time and money on reefer prosecutions, grass is all but legal in CA now anyway getting a script for medical marijuana is as easy as claiming back pain or persistent headaches. Next up: Maybe we can get back to using hemp for clothing, lubricants, etc., as our ancestors did the plant’s easier to grow than corn and has various applications, even, it’s been suggested, as a cheaper replacement for ethanol.

Finally: Alas, the brave Iraqi man who threw his shoes at Junior, Muntadhar al-Zeidi, has been sentenced to 3 years in the calaboose by an Iraqi court for doing what any sane person would do when forced to listen to Bush Lite piddle on their country. Another prediction: Al-Zeidi, a national hero in Iraq and much more popular than current PM Nouri al-Maliki, will be released from jail early, form a party to challenge al-Maliki, and win the PM’s office in the next round of elections while Nouri slinks off to Kuwait or Qatar to hide out. Remember, you heard it here first.


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