Mon. May 20th, 2024

Remember, Kids, Freedom Isn’t Free: While I would never support censoring anyone’s freedom of speech, I think there should be special conditions for those in the right-wing media who regularly abuse this right by using it to spread outrageous fabrications and misleading distortions. Following are a few suggestions:

Sean Hannity should be required to do his program in between regularly scheduled televised waterboarding sessions, say at 30-minute intervals every time he’s on the air. It’s could be like the half-hour time mark, “This is Sean Hannity and it’s exactly 8:30 brggghhhh — arrggghhhh, STOP, STOP!!!!” This will end when Sean admits waterboarding is torture and quits show business the next day.

Bill O’Reilly should have to do his show without a teleprompter or a script. Also, every antagonistic guest which would constitute his entire guest list — would be a complete surprise that O’Reilly would have to deal with on-air in ‘real time’ without preparation. Oh, and the guests would all wear Keith Olbermann masks. This will stop when O’Reilly admits he uses a teleprompter and a script to do his show and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’ll also have to stop ambushing people with whom he disagrees, and say Olbermann’s name at least once during every program, until he quits show business the next day.

Glenn Beck should be required to have Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar on his show as regular co-hosts. He would also have a crawl running under his name whenever he’s talking on the air, “Glenn Beck, Stand-Up Comic: You’re an Idiot If You Listen to Me!” until he quits show business that evening.

Rush Limbaugh should have to do his radio show from the whale tank at Sea World, performing various stunts while black and Hispanic kids ride him, until he quits show business that day.

Laura Ingraham should be required to do her show while immersed to the neck in a vat of ketchup and hamburger over a low flame, until she quits show business the next day, really burned up.

Steve Doocy should be permitted to do his Fox News morning show turn as long as he can balance upside-down on the head of a pin covered with angels. Steve doesn’t really need to worry about his show business career, as that was over years ago.

Pat Buchanan should have ‘Deutschland Uber Alles’ playing in the background whenever he performs his ‘news analysis’ for MSNBC, until his contract ends with the cable news network. Pat will never notice the martial music in the background as it matches the tape loop already playing in his head.

Michael Savage should be required to do his show outdoors from the poorest sections of Los Angeles without bodyguards. Savage will quickly return to calling himself ‘Michael Wiener’ and writing health food diatribes in this case.

G. Gordon Liddy should be allowed to talk on the air for as long as he can hold his hand over an open candle flame and eat live sewer rats. His show business career ends when either both hands have been burned off or he contracts rabies from the rats, whichever comes first.

To contact the author, email

2009 R.S. Janes.


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