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What a deal! You may remember, in the news recently, church elders bought a former funeral home and found it included several recently departed ones. While it was assumed that they would… stiff… the church when it came to passing the collection plate, it was obvious they they wouldn’t cause the usual problems when the preacher goes on, and on, and on. Afraid of snoring members of your flock? Fidgety children? Bowser suddenly finding his way to the pews and demanding he be fed and walked after your sermon went on 10 days? No problemo!
We here at the old “Every Tragedy is an Excuse to Fleece Corp,” now restructured after bankruptcy and then renamed, “Corpse Co.,” our motto is, “HEY! At least our management decisions aren’t as bad as GM.” That’s because we know a business opportunity when our highly trained new idea vulture-scouts smell one…
Now, when a member of your flock sins you can point to “John,” or whatever name you wish to choose since no one knows who these corpses were and say, “We need to follow the lead of Brother John! Brother John would never do this!”
No need in preparing more communal Kool-Aid. It’s like fish and loaves in reverse! The more Johns you have the less grape juice/wine/cocaine-laced whiskey and bread morphed into blood and body parts you have to feed the flock. (This is not referring to any of the other kind of “Johns” you may have… no matter HOW young they may be… FATHER.)
And after you’ve killed a few ATF agents who were trying to get you to comply with an order, HEY! …our inventory makes great bullet shields from which you can shoot back at them. Now you get to kill a few more.
Just call 1-800-BUYASTINKINCORPSERIDDENFUNERALHOME. (Never you mind there are too many letters there for a real number. Have faith! Have plenty of cash, or a pre-loaded debit card!) And if our brain dead CEO happens to be corpsing…. uh, “manning…” the phone, leave a message!
To recent customers: did your home come with inventory a little too “fresh” and pre-embalm? Clip the coupon soon to be printed at the bottom of this page for our 1/2 off sale: 1/2 off inventory where you found half of all their limbs were pre-removed… (No, does not apply to any trees on the property.) …and mail it in for a rebate…
DEAD LETTER OFFICE
666 Extreme Christian Way
Waco, TX 76704
…and hold then your breath. We always need more inventory for our huge customer base which includes people who buy most TV diet pills, believe the moon loading was faked and that the Earth is flat: the center of the solar system, those who believe that professional wrestling is real or that those tubes and trailers really were used for “nuk-u-lar” processing, think that Biggus Dickus EVER tells the truth… and that there is still a massive amount of WMD waiting to be found in Iraq.