Thu. Feb 29th, 2024

More great satire from William K. Wolfrum and his Chronicles.

Jesus H. Christ Cancels Healing Insurance For the Poor

JERUSALEM Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christs talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.

Following disappointing third-quarter projections, Christ has announced that he will only heal those that are both pure of heart and financially stable.

This is not a socialist regime, said Christ. First and foremost, Im a capitalist. And look at me, Im wearing dirty robes and cant afford a decent razor. This has become an unsustainable action.

Following a meeting with his followers, as well as industry lobbyists, Christ announced that he will no longer be giving humans the gift of health — unless they keep up with monthly premiums and co-pays.

Well still do good works, said Christ, 37. But its time for the blind, lepers and others to stand up and take some individual responsibility.

Christ said hed still offer healing insurance for those that could afford it, and offered suggestions for how the poor could maintain health.

First off, they can just go to the Emergency room. Thats the law, said Christ. Im not sure how that would work if you have leukemia or something, but theres that.

Mainly, people need to know that the road to heaven is paved by paying your bills, added Christ. If youre not willing to get off your butt, get a job and pay for your own health care, then trust me, you arent what were looking for in heaven.

Wall Street reacted positively to the news, as shares of Christ International rose 23 percent, with many financial experts claiming now is the time to invest in Christ Care.

Copyright 2009 William K. Wolfrum.


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William K. Wolfrum
14 years ago

Thanks RS! You’re too cool.

I really appreciate you showing up at my blog, as well. I’m not real good about being engaging in the comment threads, so I don’t have a ton of commenters. But the one’s I have are funny and smart as hell. You fit in nicely 😉


Ana Grarian
14 years ago

This is a GREAT piece of satire!

RS Janes
14 years ago

Thank William K. Wolfrum, Ana — he’s the best, and funniest, nearly-unknown writer on the Innertubes I’ve read.

RS Janes
14 years ago

Thanks, Bill, and my pleasure. Visiting your blog is always enjoyable and I’d rather read a few intelligent comments instead of slogging through fifty posts of ‘me too’ dreck, half-baked opinion or flaming misinformed ego. It’s the quality, not the quantity — and you have the quality in abundance.

Ken Carman
14 years ago

Hope you don’t mind Rick. I noticed the blockquote ended half way through. Whenever there’s a break that happens. Or “more.” It looked like you intended it to go through the break/more, so I fixed it as best as it can be fixed.

Great satire. If only the nuts who need to get it could get it. Probably not. Like talking to a stone wall.

RS Janes
14 years ago

Not a problem, Ken. Yes, it’s true, the wingnuts probably wouldn’t get WKW’s satire, but I find it damned entertaining and truthful.

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