Posted by Lucidity at Newsbiscuit.com
The world has been placed on a heightened security alert following reports that New Age terrorists have harnessed the power of homeopathy for evil. “Homeopathic weapons represent a major threat to world peace,” said President Barack Obama, “they might not cause any actual damage but the placebo effect could be quite devastating.”
The H2O-bomb has been developed by the radical New Age group, The Axis of Aquarius. In a taped message to the world, their leader, Professor Hubert Pennington, said: “For too long the New Age movement has been dismissed as a bunch of beardy weirdy cranks and charlatans. But now we have weapons-grade homeopathy and we demand to be taken seriously.”
Homeopathic bombs are comprised of 99.9% water but contain the merest trace element of explosive. The solution is then repeatedly diluted so as to leave only the memory of the explosive in the water molecules. According to the laws of homeopathy, the more that the water is diluted, the more powerful the bomb becomes.
“It was only a matter of time before these people got hold of the material that they needed to make these bombs,” said former UN weapons inspector, Hans Blix, The world is a much more dangerous place with the advent of these Weapons of Mass Dilution.
“A homeopathic attack could bring entire cities to a standstill,” said BBC Security Correspondent, Frank Gardner, “Large numbers of people could easily become convinced that they have been killed and hospitals would be unable to cope with the massive influx of the walking suggestible.”
The severity of the situation has already resulted in the New Age terror threat level being raised from “lilac” to the more worrisome “purple” aura. Meanwhile, new security measures at airports require that all water bottles be scanned to ensure that they are not being used to smuggle the memory of an explosion on board a plane.
“Homeopathic weapons are the ultimate Smart Bombs,” warned President Obama, They are so smart that they only affect the gullible. The only defense is for everyone to remain calm, vigilant and to always wear a magic vibrating crystal.”
Frankly I’ve taken to pushing needles into my Ouija board with my cross and my magic crystal while reading the Koran while chanting, “Rah, Rah, Siscum Bah!” That way I figure I have many bases covered.