Wed. Jul 17th, 2024

“Glen Beck lecturing me on the Bible, on Christianity? Glen Beck a… Mormon???”
-Bill Press

I’m almost ready. Tux tucked in. Check. Shoes all polished. Check. Pleasing, wise ass, smirk on my face. Check. The music swells. Lights up. The crowd roars. I dance down the stairs. You applaud… sneer… throw rotten toe-may-ters. Monty Ken Hall smiles and says, “Let’s make a religious deal!”

I am so %$#@! tired of the religious game people play. Timothy McVeigh bombs a building? “Well, he’s not a ‘Christian.'” Famous married, fundamentalist preachers get action elsewhere? “Not ‘Christian.'” Head of a “turn the gays straight” group takes off with his male lover… along with funds from the very same group he touted as providing proof that gays just need to get straight with God? “Christian?” Uh, uh.

By the way, are these same people claiming bin Laden wasn’t a Muslim after what he did?

I suspect not. Not a convenient thing to do when the main product your selling seems to be hate instead of Christianity.

And are they the same folks who insist Obama must be a Muslim… despite his controversial former minister and the church he attends?

I suspect so.

It’s a game. It’s also a lie: and a damn convenient one. And what about those bumper stickers they have on their cars posteriors, proclaiming: “I’m not perfect; I’m just forgiven?”

Not in my opinion: because you’re intentionally complicating the sin you claim is “forgiven” by dumping more sin on top of it: making God work over time. And you are speaking for God; as if you were God. Kind of like dumping a truck load of sin in front of the sin collector right after he just picked up what he had to drag out to the curb himself. Dragged out himself because you’re too damn lazy to curb it yourself. If it were me, and I had that kind of power, I’d make damn sure you stay there and wallow in it.

Careful. The next guy who will pick it up is probably sporting a not so stylish set of horns and a red tail.

Mormons are Christians. They may be weird ones, but moi’: the perpetual defender of the weird, will definitely defend them… to a certain point. Mormons are the ones who include Jesus coming to America in their faith… Jesus is that important to them. Historically accurate? Eh, I suspect… not. But certainly that should be a plus when checking off traits in any column considering, “Christian or… not?” Now Muslims? A harder sell, though they don’t go as far as the Jews in lowering Jesus on their “how important” lists.

Let’s “make a deal.” Let’s let God, Allah or the Magical Frog my Uncle Rivet worships (“Rivet. Rivet.”) because he believes faith in Kermit gives faith (frog) legs… let’s let them sort it all out, whenever. …if they exist at all. Frankly I’m a Kermit cynic. I think he’s always been a handjob and probably enslaved by the equally mythical Piggy goddess.

But when it comes to a faith less swamped by doubt amongst the baptism-ally washed masses? The best definition of a Christian would most likely be: “one who follows Jesus.” Not one so anal they consider those sprinkled to be non-Christians vs. the “true” dunked ones. I would even add in “follow as closely as personally possible.” This doesn’t mean the phrase “good Christian” necessarily follows.

If you elevate Muhammad (Before you cringe: there are several alternative spellings here.) …to a status equal or above Jesus then you, personally, should reconsider your status as a “Christian,” if you use the label. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. After all, we’re supposed to be free to worship as we wish, or not worship at all, right?

The problem is there are “Christians” out there who want to reconsider it for you, place a label on you and shove you up on some pre-labeled shelf according to how convenient you are to them.

And they consider that to be the act of a “Christian?”


Inspection is a column that has been written by Ken Carman for over 30 years. Inspection is dedicated to looking at odd angles, under all the rocks and into the unseen cracks and crevasses that constitute the issues and philosophical constructs of our day: places few think, or even dare, to venture.

Copyright 2009
Ken Carman and Cartenual Productions
All Rights Reserved

By Ken Carman

Retired entertainer, provider of educational services, columnist, homebrewer, collie lover, writer of songs, poetry and prose... humorist, mediocre motorcyclist, very bad carpenter, horrid handyman and quirky eccentric deluxe.

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