Sun. May 28th, 2023

Survey Spells Trouble for GOP, Pollster Says

Posted by Ken Carman for LTS readers.

Written by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – A new survey of likely voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and billionaire Donald Trump, a majority would choose suicide over either candidate.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Trump drawing 21%, Gov. Palin 18%, and various forms of suicide 61%.

“Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus” was the most popular means of suicide at 22%, with “jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge” coming in second at 17%. According to pollster Davis Logsdon, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Gov. Palin and Mr. Trump as potential presidential candidates in 2012.

“It’s still very early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn’t be making voters want to kill themselves in these numbers,” Mr. Logsdon said.

Reached at his home in New York City, Mr. Trump pointed out that while he did not do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Gov. Palin, adding, “That’s better than a sharp stick in the eye.”

But Mr. Logsdon was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Trump’s upbeat assessment: “In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye beats Donald Trump by a two-to-one margin.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Palin called for the White House to release pictures of Osama bin Laden, arguing, “I only read books with pictures.”

By Ken Carman

Entertainer, provider of educational services, columnist, homebrewer, collie lover, writer of songs, poetry and prose... humorist, mediocre motorcyclist, very bad carpenter, horrid handyman and quirky eccentric deluxe.

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