Erin Gloria Ryan for jezebel.com
Undaunted by the monumental failure of Personhood USA’s push to declare fertilized human eggs exactly the same as grown ass adults in Mississippi, conservatives in Oklahoma have pushed forward with their own Personhood Bill. But one Democratic smartass isn’t having it, and she finds the whole thing so absurd that she tacked on an amendment of her own that would outlaw the spilling of semen in any location other than a woman’s vagina.
State Senator Constance Johnson of Oklahoma City has served Oklahoma’s 48th Senate District since 2005, but it was yesterday’s introduction of Senate Bill 1433 that really pushed her over the edge. The bill sought to define human life as beginning at the moment of conception, before it’s even implanted in the womb, and offers full legal protection to those tiny multicelled lumps. In the words of the bill, “the unborn child at every stage of development (has) all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”
Johnson submitted an amendment of her own to the bill, which would have added the language,
However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.
That means no masturbating. No wet dreaming. No blow jobs or facials or pulling out and coming on your lady’s stomach, dudes. No gay sex, unless a vagina’s around to catch the precious seed. No Boston cream pies.
The State Senator later willingly withdrew the amendment, telling her colleagues that she had introduced it to highlight the ridiculous sexism inherent in a Personhood Law that would force women to be pregnant.
Another pro-choice legislator, Democrat Jim Wilson, attempted to add an amendment to the bill that would require the father of the child to be financially responsible for the woman’s health care, housing, transportation, and nourishment while she was pregnant. The amendment failed, because obviously if those whoreladies didn’t want to have to be responsible for using their bodies to incubate another human life for nine months and then push it out of a tiny hole between their legs, they shouldn’t have had sex in the first place.
Sassy amendments to sexist uterus-related legislation is my favorite microtrend of 2012. The serious misogyny behind the legislation that leads to the need for the sassy amendments is my least favorite.