The Tattlesnake Chickenhawk Squawk and Other Battle-Tattle Edition
WHY DID THE CHICKENHAWK CROSS THE ROAD?
You know those “Why did the chicken cross the road” jokes? Well, here are some with a slight twist. If you weren’t sick of them before, you will be now
George W. Bush: To stay ahead of that Dan Rather lawsuit.
Dick Cheney: To get to Dubai before anybody else indicts him.
Karl Rove: Don’t interpret that chicken crossing that road as anything other than the eventual fulfillment of my subtle master plan for a permanent Republican majority!
Ed Rollins: Nixon’s chickens crossed that road while Rove was still not screwing cheerleaders.
Alberto Gonzales: I just don’t know anything. I was never informed of anything having to do with chickens or roads and, if I was at any time, I don’t remember it. That’s all I can say until my best-selling book comes out next year.
Clarence Thomas: Ask Scal or Alito about that; I’m heading out to lunch at Long John Silver’s today, and I might have a ha, ha — Coke with my stuffed clams.
David Frum: To run screaming from Rich Lowry’s lurid masturbatory fantasies.
Norm Coleman: To avoid a legal state-mandated recount.
Ann Coulter: Quite obviously to stock up on vodka and gin for the next four years.
Michelle Malkin: To escape Obama’s secret plan to enslave America in a future of hope and change for the better!
Sarah Palin: To, ya know, get on over there and work on that other side of the pipeline with them bipartisan public servants like myself for the people’s business on that good health care and tax cuts and jobs ’cause that’s what they want us to do and see if God has any doors open for ya over there on that other side there for me to just plow right through there, ya know, even if I don’t drink, and even if it’s only cracked open a little teensy bit, and it’s not my fault the great war hero John McCain lost, unless it is, and then I’m sorry, ya know, but it’s not.
Saxby Chambliss: To see how low he can go.
Henry Paulson: Just give the chicken the $700 billion to take across the road with no questions asked.
Matt Drudge: Because no one takes him seriously on his own side of the road anymore.
Pat Buchanan: If Britain had just left Hitler alone after he crossed the road into Poland in 1939, there wouldn’t have been any World War II!
Newt Gingrich: To make sure the other side of the road wasn’t full of gay and secular fascists trying to take over the nation!
Lou Dobbs: That’s a Mexican chicken crossing that road to steal the eggs of an American chicken! My viewer poll says 97 percent are against Mexican chickens taking the eggs of patriotic American chickens! Why doesn’t Washington make policy exclusively based on the opinions of the people who watch my show?!
Rush Limbaugh: Dumb-ass liberal socialist Obama-loving chicken. If he were a smart conservative talk-show host chicken, he would have sent his maid across the road in his place.
Sean Hannity: I’ll only answer this question if the chicken was crossing from the left to the right side of the road.
Glenn Beck: He crossed the road and now nobody pays any attention to him on the other side; he’s lost in the shuffle.
Bill O’Reilly: Roger, is it time for a War on Chickens or a War on Roads?
Roger Ailes: Stop bothering me with dumb questions, O’Reilly. Just check your fax machine for your talking points, as usual.
Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby: To get a full pardon from Bush come January.
David Addington: Whatever the president wants to do with that chicken or that road is entirely within his constitutional powers in time of war, and I’ll ruin you if you dare disagree with me.
John Yoo: I had no idea when I wrote those memos that actual chickens might be tortured.
Samuel Joseph ‘Joe the Plumber’ Wurzelbacher: To buy a business for $250,000 that I still can’t afford on the chicken feed my 15 minutes of fame nets.
“My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.”
— Gov. Sarah Palin, in her best former beauty pageant contestant form.
“Theres no such thing as same sex marriage.
After marriage, sex is NEVER the same”
— Phils Phunny Phacts, from Phil Proctor’s Planet Proctor, 2008-22, Nov. 19, 2008.