Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes

Douchebags Seek New Way to Compensate for Tiny Penises

By Andy Borowitz

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) General Motors decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: Americas assholes.

Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.

Tracy Klugian, a realtor in Tempe, Arizona, said that he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, but it just wont say asshole like a Hummer does.

Mr. Klugian, whose penis has been described as microscopic, also questioned the timing of GMs decision.

Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota, he said. More here.

For Borowitz Report headlines you won’t find anywhere else, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.