Worst Picture: Mike Myers’ monumental movie mistake “The Love Guru,” although I think the also-nominated “The Hottie and the Nottie” should have nabbed a Dishonorable Mention.
Worst Actor: ‘Winner’ Mike Myers (“The Love Guru”) beat out Larry the Cable Guy? Of course, Mr. ‘Cable Guy’ has never claimed to be an actor, so perhaps this is fair after all. Is Myers trying to get out of a contract, or does he just not care anymore with tripe like this?
Worst Actress: The true Slumdog Millionaire (with a publicist) Paris Hilton for her performance in “The Hottie and the Nottie.” The AP reports that Paris’ two films, the aforementioned bomb and “Repo: The Genetic Opera,” combined did not take in $200 thousand at the box office, giving the lie to the alleged public popularity of the celebutard hotel heiress. Like the fully useless Donald Trump, Hilton’s celebrity is based solely on her ability to hire a good ‘sweet smell of success’ (or, in this case ‘stink’) PR agent who will endlessly get her name mentioned in the media. Isn’t it time for Paris to join fellow stick-figure clotheshorse Cindy Crawford (“Fair Game,” one of the worst movies ever made) in the land of sunny dumb obscurity?
Worst Supporting Actor: Pierce Brosnan for “Mamma Mia!” Okay, Pierce, the suave-phony Remington Steele act is strictly for the idiot box circa the Reagan Era, and nobody buys it anymore you’re wrinkled enough now to join the ranks of grim grits-turned-serio/funny boffers like Peter Graves and Leslie Nielson. You’ve stuck your toe in the water now take a dive!
Worst Supporting Actress: Paris Hilton for “Repo: The Genetic Opera,” and let’s hope Skinny Minnie didn’t actually sing in that film, or leave any DNA behind. What can you say it’s Paris’ year.
Worst Director: Uwe Boll for “Tunnel Rats,” “In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” and “Postal.” Is his first name pronounced ‘Yoo-Wee,’ as in “Yoo wee, what’s that smell?” Going ‘postal’ is the way you’ll feel if you plunk down $8 bucks to witness one of his disasters.
Worst Prequel, Sequel, Remake or Rip-Off: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” obviously an homage to the drug being imbibed when they committed this cinematic felony.
Worst Screen Couple: Paris Hilton and whoever else was in “The Hottie and the Nottie,” which by now should give you the hint that it was a pretty lousy movie. Proof that sometimes you can judge the book by the title, or the film anyway.
Worst Screenplay: Mike Myers and Graham Gordy for “The Love Guru.” Did Gordy provide the painkillers while Mike shot himself in the foot?
Oh, you want those other awards? Sure, go ahead, click here.