Columnist’s note: If you insist on taking this seriously, please get help. I waited until long after the election to publish it, just to make damn sure you knew I wasn’t serious.
In my beloved small community in the Adirondacks I am a member of a nominating committee for the property owners. We have an upcoming election. I have noticed we are missing something in our bylaws that could be important. I propose that before we nominate anyone we take care of this problem.
I ask that the property owners discuss assassination. Assassination of leaders, members of committees…
Since I will be far… far, may I repeat…very, very, very far away from the initial discussion, and the actual election, I believe I am the best member to propose this. And since every topic has two sides, I propose we do what the media giants like FOX do: have three members discuss this; three members who are the loudest and the most obnoxious. Oh, and then one more who is weak kneed, quick to compromise, essentially a “pansy,” on the other side. In other words: let’s be “fair and balanced” about this. Then we can discuss issues like “adults” do these days.
Now I am very anti-assassination. But I am willing to admit there’s always someone out there who disagrees regarding any given issue, so let’s have a “fair and balanced” discussion.
Maybe we can televise it: look at the great success the networks have had; especially one, putting obnoxious, loudmouths with far right, or left, opinions on shows and finding some soggy-toast punching bag to work with them who wants everyone to “just get along.”
The added bonus is the excitement it will add to our community! Let’s take one local issue. Imagine, for example, pro-railroad and pro-trail folks being part of this debate? Neither side will be bored again during those rainy: no fishing, or boating, days… or snow-less; no snowmobile, winter days. They can have “fun” and “have at it.”
Perhaps we could follow ancient tradition and bring in lions like the Romans did? Or do you think the bears will volunteer to take care of any “losers” post-debate or discussion?
By the way, anyone else in favor of extending hunting season throughout the whole year? I know, “accidents happen.” But, hey, where’s the fun in playing it safe?
Not So Sincerely,
nominating committee member
P.S.- JFY: When I get back home I’ll be wearing a bullet proof vest. So aim high.
Inspection is a column that has been written by Ken Carman for over 30 years. Inspection is dedicated to looking at odd angles, under all the rocks and into the unseen cracks and crevasses that constitute the issues and philosophical constructs of our day: places few think, or even dare, to venture.
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