Mon. Jun 17th, 2024

Written by Any Borowitz

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – With just one day until the key Republican contests in Michigan and Arizona, a new survey of likely voters indicates that in a match-up between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, a majority would choose suicide over either candidate.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Romney drawing 21%, Mr. Santorum 18%, and various forms of suicide 61%.

“Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus” was the most popular means of suicide at 22%, with “jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge” coming in second at 17%.

According to pollster Davis Logsdon, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Gov. Romney and Sen. Santorum as presidential candidates in 2012.

“It’s still early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn’t be making voters want to kill themselves in these numbers,” Mr. Logsdon said.

Reached on the campaign trail in Lansing, Mr. Romney pointed out that while he did not do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Sen. Santorum, adding, “That’s better than a sharp stick in the eye.”

But Mr. Logsdon was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Romney’s upbeat assessment: “In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye beats Romney by a two-to-one margin.”

Elsewhere, Academy Award voters hailed “The Artist” as the ultimate fantasy film, since it depicts a world in which the French are silent.


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