N.F.L. Adds First Amendment to List of Banned Substances


NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The National Football League has expanded its list of banned substances to include the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, the league confirmed on Wednesday.

Although the N.F.L. has long banned substances such as anabolic steroids and growth hormones, the First Amendment is believed to be the only right guaranteed by the Constitution to be included on the list.

 

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Ohio man gets shot by his Maytag oven after his gun safety plan goes horribly awry


In the United States, people get shot by their pets, but there’s another menace lurking in the American home: armed kitchen utilities.

Forty-four-year-old Robin Garlock from Warren, Ohio, put his firearm in the broiler of his oven to keep it away from children in the house, the Ohio Vindicator first reported.

Garlock failed to inform his girlfriend of his firearm safety plan and she turned on the oven to cook. A little later she heard a ‘bang.’ Scared that there was gunfire coming from outside, she called for him. He told her to get down and ran to open the broiler and secure the gun.

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Inspection- Prayer and Guns?

by Ken Carman

 Tis the season of silly pushed by those I’m sure would claim to mean well. But no one is laughing at the silly: dead children remain dead, school shooting rates soar, the number of grieving parents, brothers and sisters increase geometrically, while memes, Facebook Inspectionposts, pundits, pols and appointees blame it on still not enough guns, Ritalin, too many exits, too many entrances, abortion, we need to “harden the target,” the schools are too old, everyone entering at the same time, or my fav: Barney. Damn that Barney, purple terrorist that he is since he was dragged off the stage because he kept singing I Love You to little kids. Perv.
 But the one that gets to me, because I have a very personal experience with it, is because prayer was taken out of schools. Read more

Nazis Want Back Into Charlottesville. Who Will Stop Them?

Activists warned Charlottesville last year that the Unite the Right rally could turn violent. Now they’re determined to keep neo-Nazis out of their city for the anniversary.

 

onths before the Nazis came to their city, Lisa Woolfork and other locals in Charlottesville, Virginia, were warning officials of the impending Unite the Right rally. Now, a year after the deadly march, its organizer is planning a disjointed anniversary event—but Charlottesville activists say they won’t let it happen again.

“I know there are many people who wish they had done something,” Woolfork, an organizer with Black Lives Matter Charlottesville, told The Daily Beast. “I know them personally: neighbors and friends and colleagues who wish they had done more. If [Unite the Right organizer Jason] Kessler does hold his rally again, this will be an opportunity to do that.”

 

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