Sat. Apr 20th, 2024

(Note: This may need some context. This is my rather imaginative take on how the crazies within the Republican Party view Donald Trump.)

Written by Robert Warden
The Legend is told within the Republican Party of the Great Trumpezius, from times if iniquity – oops, I mean antiquity – to this day.
It is said that the Great Trumpezius was handed the Stone Tablets of Owning the Libs directly from Republican Jesus – tablets which the Great Trumpezius zealously guarded (much like top secret government documents in Mar-A-Lago) and executed as chosen white alpha male heir to Republican Jesus.

Why are there 12 Commandments instead of 10? As written in “My Story, The True History of the World” (also known as The Sacred Scrolls of The Republican Party) — by Trumpezius, which was brilliantly recorded on paper towels intended for hurricane victims in Puerto Rico, Republican Jesus told him that 12 are better than 10, and since Trumpezius is better than Moses, he gets 12 of them instead of 10.
Anyway, here are the Great Trumpezius’ Twelve Commandments of the Republican Party:

1, Never Admit that You are Wrong No Matter How Wrong You Are
2. Never Compromise No Matter How Much it is Needed by the Public
3. It’s Better to Blow Up Government Than to Let the Libs Win
4. Never Admit Defeat Even When You Have Obviously Lost
5. It’s All About Wealth and Power; The Political Base is Just There to be Useful Idiots by Loyally Supporting Us
6. White People Rule
7. White Men Rule Over White Women
8. White Alpha Males Rule Over Everyone Else
9 If a White Alpha Male Does it, it Can’t be Wrong Even if it’s Wrong When Other People Do it.
10. The “Golden Rule” of Republican Politics is Worded Thusly: He Who Has the Gold, Gets to Make the Rules. The Job of Republican Politicians is to Get the Gold and Keep it.
11. If the Facts Are Against You, Dismiss the Science Behind Them
12. If People Call You Out for Doing Something Wrong, Accuse Them of Doing it Instead of You.

As recorded in the Sacred Scrolls of The Republican Party, handed down from Trumpezius to this time, Trumpezius’ enemies in the Dominion of Smartmaticus carried out a successful plot against him to oust him from power in Jesusland – using something called a “free and fair election” – and install the man known as “Uncle Josephus” as the new leader of the newly renamed “Land of Woke,” in which democracy and “free and fair” elections subsequently thrived.

Although Trumpezius and his loyal supporters fought the Dominion of Smartmaticus valiantly, attempting to “re-own the libs” and bring back Jesusland, they were no match for Josephus’ Army of Law and the variously skin-toned Woke People.
Here is where the story gets murky. Apparently, the Sacred Scrolls of The Republican Party were corrupted (not surprising considering how corrupt Trumpezius and his collaborators were), and thus the latter scrolls are missing. Legend has it that Trumpezius had one of his infamous, toddler-like temper tantrums as the Army of Law closed in on him, during which he threw catsup on the scrolls, then burned them. However, he was stopped before he could smash the Stone Tablets of Owning the Libs — tablets which have been handed down to Republicans to this day, and which Republican politicians faithfully adhere to, unsurprisingly since they are the sole beneficiaries of the self-centered and self-serving, narcissistic world view contained therein.

As for what happened to The Great Trumpezius, that remains something of a mystery. However, we know that he was never heard from again after being detained by the Army of Law and subjected to the whims of people who actually believe in democracy and holding people accountable for their actions.

How do you think this story of “The Great Trumpezius” ended?

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