Thu. Apr 18th, 2024

As my friend Ken Carman recently said (to paraphrase him), Donald Trump is such disgusting joke of a person, that it is difficult to apply sarcasm to him. Nonetheless, I will attempt to do so now.

The following imaginary transcript is lifted from the interview that newly minted bible salesman Donald Trump did with Troothmax Newz anchor Tony Succup, about his new, Trump brand, Easter bibles.

Succup: So, Donald, I find your new bible to be the best version ever. (Trump sits there staring into space like a toad that just swallowed a fly.) Would you like to mention any of your favorite passages?

Trump: I like the part at the very beginning. That one is very, very special. You know, the “To be or not to be” part. “That is the question.” Jesus wrote that himself. In fact, people say he wrote the entire bible by himself. He could do that, you know. He also wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. That’s why I am including them in my special Easter Trump bible offer (Trump holding up the bible that he is selling). Jesus would vote for me. Jesus wants you to vote for me. He’s a Republican, you know.

Succup: That’s great. Do you have any other favorite verses?

Trump: I also like the part that goes “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” That’s about the horrible things that Jesus went through. Until me, Jesus was treated the most horribly of anyone in history. They treat me even worse than Jesus. You know. There has never been anything like it before, the horrible way they treat me. Radical Trump haters. They indicted me. They indicted me 4 times. Election interference Russia Hoax January 6th hostages you see what I mean? Nikki Haley Nikki Haley Nikki Haley Crooked Hillary Nancy Pelosi Sleepy Joe Windmills kill whales.

Succup: Oh yes, and yet you never give up. Such courage. Such strength. Where do you find the strength to keep fighting for us?

Trump: Well, Tony, I find my strength in my special Lee Greenwood endorsed Trump version of the bible, and so can you for only $59.99. It’s a great deal. You know I am really really smart at the Art of the Deal. That’s my second favorite book to the bible because I wrote it (grinning like a cat that just ate the canary).

Succup: Oh, umm. Where can you sign me up for one of those?

Trump: The bible or the Art of the Deal?

Succup: Uh, both?

Trump: You can have both for just $99.99. What a steal… Uh, deal. I beat Obama. I am winning by a lot. Nobody has ever seen winning like I am winning. If I don’t win, it’s going to be a bloodbath. The bible has a lot of bloodbaths, you know. That’s how God does things. I am your retro….. retro…. retribution. I am your varnish… uh, vengeance.
We will have peace like the world has never seen before.

Did I mention I took a cognitive test? I aced it like only I can ace it. I know the best words. I have the best brain. It was the best of brains; it was the worst of…. Uh.

Succup: My, that’s great. What an offer! Now, where did the time go? It’s time for a commercial break.

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