“And thou shalt eat it [as] barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.”
— Ezekiel 4:12
Drop another log on the fire, so to speak.
“If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.”
— Deuteronomy 22:22
And yet those pious C Street gentlemen John Ensign and Mark Sanford still walk among us. (I forgot; Old Testament rules only apply to gays.)
“These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaks lies, and he that sows discord among brethren.”
— Proverbs 6:16-19
Has anyone told Fox News?
“Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?”
— Matthew 6:25
Has anyone told Sarah Palin?
“But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.”
— Matthew 5:36-37
Has anyone told Bush – or his ghostwriter?
“If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”
— Exodus 21:20-21
Walmart has this sign hanging over the desks of their factory managers in China.
“And whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of blood; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people.”
— Leviticus 17:10
So much for that trip to the dentist.
“Moses assembled the whole Israelite community and said to them, “These are the things the LORD has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death.”
— Exodus 35:1-2
But it’s the busiest shopping days of the year!
“Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.”
— Genesis 9:3
Grandpa, get in here – it time to start supper! And ‘green herb’? Paging Willie Nelson!
“This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest: And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper; Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean , and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop: And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water: As for the living bird, he shall take it , and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water: And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field.”
— Leviticus 14:3-7
You don’t even want to know about the cure for hemorrhoids.
“And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.”
— Numbers 21:5-10
That’s right, don’t worship any graven image except this here brass snake on a pole! More cosmic comedy courtesy of the Bible.
Biblical quotes from Bad Bible Advice and the Crazy Bible page:
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.