Written by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A government think-tank today proposed a controversial new law, “No Politician Left Behind,” which would pay congressmen solely on the basis of performance.
The law, which was proposed by the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Government, “would make a serious dent in the Federal deficit because few if any congressmen would ever have to be paid,” said the Institute’s director, Davis Logsdon.
“Right now, congressmen get paid even when they storm out of budget negotiations in a hissy fit,” Mr. Logsdon said. “Under this new law, the rule would be, no budget, no paycheck.”
The idea of being paid per accomplishment drew howls of protest from lawmakers, many claiming that if the law were enacted it would result in their financial ruin.
“If passed, this law would be tantamount to the establishment of ‘Work Panels,’ which would determine whether individual congressmen are accomplishing anything,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA). “I, for one, would be in deep, deep trouble.”
“I’m fairly sure that this law is unconstitutional,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Now, I have never actually read the Constitution, but if this law were passed I would probably be forced to read it or live in a cardboard box.”
House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said that creating performance standards for lawmakers was “an insult to the institution of Congress.”
“We have spent millions of dollars, some of it out of our own pockets, to get to Washington,” he said. “We did not come here to be treated like teachers.”