The Tattlesnake – Political Short Cuts Part Deux Edition
More short sour snipes at some prominent political and media figures of our bloated Blutocracy, in no particular order.
WI Supreme Court Justice David Prosser – Proudly relying on a former underling and ardent GOP activist to discover more than enough ‘accidentally uncounted’ votes two days after losing the election to miraculously make him the victor, Prosser has shown himself to be in the same league of unembarrassed conservative judicial giants as Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. No doubt if there is ever again a Republican president haunting the White House, Prosser will be at the top of his or her list of US Supreme Court nominees, eclipsed only by the fine legal minds of Scooter Libby, Louie Gohmert and Orly Taitz.
Ann Coulter – Anorexic in appearance; emaciated in thought; bulimic in speech. In other words, she never changes.
Mike Huckabee – His Christian devotion to integrity would be breathtaking to behold at some point in the future. As it is, we just have to take his assurance that he follows the teachings of Jesus on faith, as no independent evidence exists to confirm this assertion.
President Barack Obama – Apparently content to advance through constant retreat which, if you believe the world is round, would eventually result in him sneaking up on his enemies from behind. Conversely, his political opponents believe the world is flat, which is why they’re falling off the edge like lemmings. In any race to the bottom, Obama’s antagonists have the shorter drop.
GOP ‘House Budget Czar’ Rep. Paul Ryan – A man whose idea of balancing the budget involves giving away money to the rich and then hoping they will take pity on your impoverished state and provide you with a good job. It’s part of the lethal charm of Republican reptiles to insist that this ‘perpetual motion machine’ of economic thought, which has failed repeatedly in the past, is sure to work this time around. Of course, Ryan himself will have a good job in the future, in or out of politics, inadvertently paid for by the destitute taxpayers without their knowledge.
NJ Gov. Chris Christie – In a large bowl, combine tasty tax cuts for the well-heeled with budget-cutting zeal strained through a sieve with tea infused with Bush Republican crapola. Mix with whatever Ann Coulter’s drinking heavily and add a heaping cup of Il Duce’s state corporatism. Put in the oven for four years at high heat and – voila! – you have an oven ruined by an unpalatable mess fit only for the trash that is no longer being picked up in New Jersey regularly since the governor privatized the service to break the union.
WI Gov. Scott Walker – His politics honor King Louis XVI, his speeches Newt Gingrich, his ‘toughness’ a box of rocks, while his eyes pay homage to Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman. One could easily see him in the White House, cleaning up after Bo, and it may be the only job he can get after angry Wisconsin voters recall him next year – it’s definitely the only one he’s qualified to do.
AZ Gov. Jan Brewer – What happens when a batch of mean goes sour.
Newt Gingrich – He has the fire in the belly, the snow on the roof, the fourth lady-in-waiting, millions in the bank, and the fringe-conservative hamster furiously navigating the CPAC exercise wheel to guarantee his shot at abject failure in the 2012 GOP presidential primaries. Since Newt has an incredibly large vocabulary of words to express his puny ideas and historical deviances, nothing will stop him from embarrassing himself by losing to Sarah Palin in the first few primaries.
Donald Trump – Teabaggers and other neoconservative halfwits would be well disposed to take advice from a failure who couldn’t turn a profit from an Atlantic City casino and can’t get a gambling license in Nevada due to his history of bankruptcy. In fact, the only thing that ‘The Donald’ has ever made money from is his pathetic TV show wherein he hilariously fulfills the rubber-room delusions of his marketing staff by pretending to be a smart businessman. A more perfect presidential candidate reflecting the current state of the Republican Party does not exist. Trump is their man and, if somehow elected, would doubtless spend four years concentrating on his weekly reality show, “Who Wants to Work in the White House?” while the nation further crumbles.
The Koch Brothers – Nuts ‘n’ money, honey, and a rich Republican’s joke is always funny, especially from a couple of billionaire sons of Birchers. They are incontrovertible verification of Dorothy Parker’s line: “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to,” but even the late, great Algonquin Round Table wit never imagined the Almighty would stoop this low for a laugh.
Mitt Romney – Loose rumor claims that, during Romney family vacations, it was actually the Mittster who was tied to the roof of the car while the dog drove the station wagon, but let’s not go down that road. It’s also claimed the charismatic former governor of Massachusetts can charm a roomful of supporters into needing a nap within five minutes flat. His firm handshake is reminiscent of grabbing a dead cod, his personal history is redolent with mirthful myth and confounding flip-flops, and his political notions are agreeably GOP incoherent, plus he’s rich and he wants to be president, making him the perfect choice to be the Republican sacrificial tiger in 2012.
Sen. John Thune – Mitt Romney without the zesty personality and sense of dignity.
© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.